Nevermind... there is someone better

Last night, while on Facebook, a friend of mine posted a video of  Miss Drea singing Adele's Someone Like You.  She had previously forgotten the lyrics in another video; however, now that she remembered them, she was going to sing the whole song...

So, I decided to really give this song a listen.  Normally, when I'm in the car, I can't hear it because there is a precocious 4 year old in the back covering it with his loose interpretation of the words...

So my thoughts after listening? Ladies: we need a reconnaissance mission.  It's time to take our self esteem back just in time for 2012!  I'll let some of you get away with this foolishness for now; however, come 2012, songs like this will get an immediate remix complete with a DJ scratching and a booty bass track.

What's wrong with the song you ask? Nothing in particular with the singing or the style of the song.  It is a beautiful piece of art.  But what's wrong is the mindset and the fact that so many women are content to think this way. 

Here are 5 of mindsets we need to change in 2012 from this song:

1. " I guess she gave you things that I didn't"  Analyzing your ex's new relationship:
   
   Okay, I get it.  The song is written by someone who is heartbroken.  But, um, she says "old friend".  And they have been married because she heard around town which means the invites went out, cake was cut, the champagne was popped and the DJ packed up and went home; while the ex girlfriend was at home sulking and looking at pictures from yester-year.  Women, let's make it a point: Take a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months to get over this dude; but once you are over him BE OVER HIM!  Stop looking at everyone he dates and comparing her to yourself. He likes her because he likes her- end of story.  Chances are, it has nothing to do with you. Analyzing it won't make the situation different. It's a waste of your time and a distraction from what you should be doing (like sticking a pin in his voodoo doll or something)
   
2. "I hate to turn up out the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it" STALKER! STALKERAZZIE!
   In real life, we call people who do things like this one of two things: either extremely rude or a stalker. In either case, that's not what you want to be.  All you wanted to do was see with your very own  two eyes that the rumors are true.  That's why Google was invented.  Google his name and see what is  true or false. I'm sure you have some mutual friends on facebook... ask them if you really need to know.  If it is, wish them well by suggesting they use this song every year for their anniversary and move on.
    
    Then make like Adele, become extremely successful and remind yourself who really lost something in the relationship.
   
3. "I hope you'd see my face and be reminded that for me, it isn't over..." Hanging On to a Dead Phone
   Oh, is that what that scowl is?  Or the crazy eyes?  Because if he didn't want you before, then showing up with crazy fire eyes will definitely make him want you now!!! Yippy! Awesome lyrics for a song; but again... a little Chucky Doll meets Nightmare on Elm Street-ish in the real world.  And, I'm sure, the new wife has been WAITING for an excuse to kick your arse after she saw you peering through the bushes trying to make sure they are really married.  Yeah, let this jackhole know it isn't over on the doorstep during dinner and see what really happens... SECURITY!
   
4. "Old friend why are you so shy? It's not like you to hold back or hide from the light"  Getting the Stoic Face from the Ex
   So, you ran up on him... and the wife... at the house... and he has the stoic face. It's not shyness, sweetness.  It's shock. What he's thinking is, "OH SH!T!!!"  or "AWKWARD!!!"   Because he can't even imagine why you, after all this time... are HERE.  Or care.  Because obviously, he doesn't.  And this can be proven by the wedding picture that is probably carefully placed in the foyer right over his left shoulder... you know, the same arm with the left hand and the ring.  Here's what you should have done: let HIM show up uninvited at one of your sold out concerts anywhere in the world (or for us commoners- some where that you're having loads of fun).  Then have security escort him out for being a threat to the show. Spend the money you made on the concert tickets knowing that he cared enough to spend his very best watching your glory from his peon seat in the nosebleed section.
   
5. "Nevermind, I'll find somebody like you... don't forget me, I beg..." Trying to Make Your New Man the Ex BUT Leaving a Shoe In The Door Just In Case
   Okay.  I saved this one for last because this is the most widespread, convoluted idea out there.  The wish and desire to find someone JUST LIKE your ex.  REALLY?  You want a person who would tell you at some point in your relationship, "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"?  Someone that doesn't even talk to you anymore and that you have to stalk to get their attention? Someone who obviously forgot you- as you are begging him not to forget you? SOMEONE WHO LEFT???   Ladies, ladies, ladies!!!!!! Let's get it together!  The man you are supposed to spend forever with doesn't say or do these things.  Most of all, part of getting to forever is, well, not leaving.  Your ex is an ex for a reason.  Find someone who is nothing like him... at all!  Stop dating the fairy tale person you created this ex to be in your head.  And if you were the one who ruined the relationship, you never really wanted him anyway! Why find someone else you are willing to run over and chase after the fact?  At any rate, here's a clue: if you are chasing someone, typically it's because they are running away. 

So please, let's be mindful of the new rules and start singing this song instead:

Nevermind, I found someone way better than you

I have completely forgotten you and what's her name, too

Please go away I beg. This relationship is dead

Sometimes you make mistakes and you have to lye in that bed

Sometimes you make mistakes and have to lye in that bed....

Special shout out and double fist pump to the chest to Mr. WAtoMG. Proof that someone better is out there!

TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY!!!!!

Black Friday at Target 

I have no idea why stores like to rush directly from Halloween to Christmas.  Because in the middle... is the MONSTER TRUCK of all holidays.  A day so special, it is being honored by most businesses everywhere as a paid holiday:

BLACK FRIDAY (also known at the WAtoMG as TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY!!!)

Yeah, I know... you were thinking Thanksgiving.  Well, while you're getting your chomp chomp on; there will be a soccer mom, somewhere, doing pull-ups, so she can maneuver her elbows high enough to "accidentally" give you one to the face while trying to wrestle Dance Revolution 2 out of your firm grip.

I started shopping the TUCK AND ROLL Friday sales about two years ago.  Prior to that, I still had a bad taste in my mouth about the whole day because as a former retail worker, I hated that I had to work NO MATTER WHAT! Not working meant that I would no longer have a job come HOLY ISH!!! SATURDAY, which happens to be the day following BLACK FRIDAY when most shoppers realize the mortgage was just spent on the 5 awesome, non-refundable LCD TV's, some tube socks, and a 3 way crock pot.

But there's something about having children that for me, justified the absolute absurdity of getting up at zero o'clock to hang out with a bunch of crazy folks; holding my life in my hands shopping for God only know what (which probably would still be available on GAAAAH!! WHO WANTS THAT? Sunday).

Aaaaand let's not forget...the Power Wheel cool convertible: on sale for $99.  Yeeeee-HAAAAW!  I was doing it for the children, folks.

So, the first time I attended TUCK AND ROLL Friday, I jumped out of bed at 5:00 AM.  I was sleepwalking because the overall excitement made me restless; but I went out anyway because there were sales to be had!!!! I had a pocket full of credit that was burning a hole in my jeans.

The streets of my neighborhood were silent with visions of sugar plums dancing in the non-certifiables' heads.  However, once I was right around the corner from Walmart, all chaos ensued! People!  As far as the eye can see! It looked like a swarm of bees around a nest! But that's not what struck me as odd.  What was strange is that they were leaving the store...with 3-4 TV's in their carts; DVD players; Power Wheels!  I was soooooo excited to be in there midst.... I KNEW I was going to get something good...

...Until I walked into the store and all that was left was a stale box of Cheerios and some memorabilia pallets that were empty and stamped with "BLACK FRIDAY WAS HERE". Apparently, these people left their families and the turkey; put on their Rambo gear and camped out... starting on Wednesday night... two weeks ago.

I was so sad.  I wallowed around the store aimlessly... wondering if the magic of Christmas was gone... if my child would look like Little Timmy in the Christmas Story asking for more porridge...

So, in a last ditch effort to save Christmas, I went to ask the one worker who wasn't hiding in a bunker if there were anymore Power Wheels left.  Holding a balloon and standing behind a shopping card, she looked at me roboticly and said, "DO YOU WANT IT?"

And there... in her cart was IT!  The gift that saved Christmas and TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY! No, not a Power Wheel; but something I wasn't even thinking about getting until that very moment when I couldn't let the sale go! A Samsung digital video camera for $150!  I was hooked!!! After doing the cabbage patch and the running man, I put the camera in my cart and proceeded to shop ecstatically for things I didn't need!  Towels for $1.50? CHECK! A mini chopper for $2? DOUBLE CHECK!  A big wheel that would be that same Black Friday price through the whole season? TRIPLE CHECK, SNITCHES!!!!! I was skipping around the store with a delirious "I just saved $150 by shopping on Black Friday" look on my face! In general, I felt GRANDTASTIC about my purchases and swore that next year, I would have a plan, a map, walkie talkies, and tents like some of the other fanatics out there... Double fist pump to the chest for my new peeps!

However, when 2010 Tuck and Roll Friday came around, I had no such luck.  I was in Tennessee. The day produced one of those annoyingly cold misty rains.  And people were parked 3 miles back from Walmart at 8 PM; hitching rides to the front door.   I was about 17.5 months pregnant and the thought of Susan Soccer Mom elbowing me for the last $5 game of Cooties as I waddled through the store about to bite someone was not appealing. Something about pregnancy brings you to your better senses... unless you are considering pickles and ice cream. In which case, my whole point would be ruined.

Instead, last year, was the dawn of a new brand of crazy. I had to bind Mr. WAtoMG's fingers together and remove the mouse from his computer as he was clicking to glory on Cyber Monday- the holiday that happens if you didn't remorse for previous sins during HOLY ISH!!! SATURDAY and the big boxes way to relieve you of your 401 (k).

But this year will be different!  This year will be it! My year to buy all of Christmas in one day.  I've already been looking at the circulars.  I have my son's walkie talkies. I've been training for marathons and taking yoga! I have power bars, a cooler of water, canned goods, sleeping bags and a portable DVD player. Thanksgiving dinner is already purchased courtesy of Marie Calendar TV dinners...

And my tuck and roll is vicious... Operation Occupy Walmart is in full effin' effect!

Oh yes, people! Marabou slippers will be running like Wilma Rudolph at a store near you! Pearls and pin-curls! Arms flailing! Frenzy to the fullest!

Because what would please the big banks, politicians and the Occupy Movement more than if all of America creates a holiday to go into the RED making sure big corporate stores get into the BLACK?

The power of suggestion over the sheeple...

The moral of the story: be careful out there both physically and financially. Make a list.  Research your purchases and get the things you are certain about. Don't be mean to the sales people... they are frightened from the madness and really just want to be home with their families while you are participating in the crazy. And remember: the spirit of the holidays and giving is not about how much money you saved by switching to Geico; but about time with family and the memories that are created.

Making a mental note and preaching to the choir. Doing lunges... and listening to "The Final Countdown"

Follow the Crazy: http://bfads.net/

Photo Credit- MSNBC

It's 10:30 PM. Do You Know Where Your Husband and Children Are?

I know where mine are... and no this post is actually not about that...
What it IS about is my new obsession: Pinterest. Grab a cocktail... I need to talk.

Because in reality, even though I know that the hubs is sitting right in front of me playing Batman on Playstation and the two chirruns are upstairs in the bed snuggled tight in their beds, the only object that I NEED to know where it is, is laying safely in my lap.

That would be my laptop, my pinning button and... yes... my Pinterest.

Can you smell the pretty coming through the screen people? OMG... It's been like 5 minutes typing, which is 5 minutes that I have been away from my new obsession. This blog is really taking way too much of my time...

Is this what it feels like to be on drugs???  I do know that I now understand my husband's "can't really hear you while this play is being snapped" thing he does while he's watching football and I'm nagging about something telling him something severely important about my sock drawer.

What is Pinterest you ask?  It's Playstation/ Football for women.  A place where I can neatly store all the ideas I run across on the internet without bookmarking my browser to death with things I will never, ever be able to find again... And unlike my browser favorite button, it stores a nice pretty picture that will remind me of all the projects my husband will complete around the house I will do. In fact, it's pretty much an internet Holy Ground of Pretty.  You really should take your shoes off upon arrival...

What I am really trying to say is: I will be hosting a Pinterest rehab meeting in January when one of my New Year's resolutions will most definitely include prying myself away from Pinterest with a crowbar to do other things... like ya know, work... or eat...

Marabou slippers still showers and puts on a decent pair of pearls everyday... I haven't completely lost it!

Follow me:  pinterest.com/melaniegayles

Share the Pretty.

And Ode to Sam's.

Confession of a suburbanite: I HEART Sam's Club!!!!

 

 Don't you? Oh, the many things you can find there!
Wrote a country song 'bout it! Like to hear it? Here it goes!!!!!!


*clears throat*   *blows into harmonica to find the key* me me me me me..
Okay


THE ODE TO SAM'S CLUB

Chorus:
Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!


I went down to Sam's Club just the other day
I have VIP access they never make me pay
I whip out my card and feel like a star
Made a right at the entrance bought tires for my car




Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!


Saw TV's on sale bought one for every room
The rooms are kinda dusty so I bought a vacuum
Bought a stereo to dance to and a computer for my blog
Went down and got a mattress now I'll sleep like a log!


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!

Picked up pounds of diapers; baby can use them right away
Got a playground for the other so he can go outside and play
Got mulch for the hubs, flowers and sweatpants for me
We'll curb appeal the yard it will be as pretty as can be


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!

When I arrived sample ladies were serving brunch
Circled the club for a few hours now they're serving lunch
I'd stay for dinner, but that might be a bore
Pick up a rotisserie chicken for $5 more!


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!

Got 10 gallons of lotion and bubbles for my bath
Buying bulk saves me money I just did the math
Got bread, got meat, a box of salad on sale
Envelopes and stamps even though I only email


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!

Loaded up the car I could hardly fit in
Haven't even left and I can't wait to go again!
Gotta car full of goodies I'm living the dream
I realized when I got home, I didn't get ICE CREAM!!!!!!


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!


Look for the video, coming soon to a theater near you!

A PSA: Don't steal from the cRaZy Lady...

A Love Letter To the Parent Who Keeps Stealing Permanently Borrowing My Son's Hoodies:

Dear Fellow Fashionista Whose Child's Clothes "Strangely" Resembles Mine,

You know, there was a time when I didn't know what the heck I was doing with this baby thing... The newness of it all... what to dress him in...

There was a time when it was the middle of July and I had him bundled up like he was about to cross the Bering Straight. Or the times when the season would change and I would, embarrassingly but admittedly, try to get him in that one summer outfit he never got to wear.

But whew!!!!!  What a sigh of relief I can breathe to know that you find my child's sense of style so refreshingly on point!  I mean, I took two seconds to tap myself on the back when you took the first hoodie home.  But now that you've taken them all, YEEEE-HAAAAW!!!! Look out Fashion Week! Here I come!

I totally understand how you can get confused when you pick up your child and there are all those hangers there with the children's names and a picture on them.   At a certain point, it starts to look like you are at a store where they sell everything for FREE99!  And my son does have one of those faces that looks, surprisingly, like everyone according to the people who say he looks like me AND his father (the nerve of these people to suggest he looks like the  both of US and not the neighbors).  And then, the fact that his name is written in the jacket must almost look like a gift tag; and the name merely suggests who it is from!!!  I get it... I do. You should really just send me a thank you card.

However, when I pull up to the school... and my son's clothes are missing.... I start ticking. Popping and locking like Electric Boogaloo is on... and having flashbacks... of like, the time I was 15.5 months pregnant tucking and rolling through the Old Navy Black Friday sale trying to save my life from the real crazies who were sleeping out there overnight...

...Or I think about how many hours of BS I put with at work to afford all of those $20 jackets. Or how my husband was late to work looking all over the house for that jacket and then trying to get my son to put it on...

Then there is the sad thought of him on the playground cold as hell while your child runs around in all of his clothes. Or the angry thought about me wasting my gas, money and time going to get a few more of them...

Parent, never mind my feelings. I mean, who am I to impose on your child's fashion-hook-up-ed-ness? The genius level he is to shop for, buy and launder his own clothes!  Or the Phantom Menace that lives with you so you can suggest that you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA where the heck all those Old Navy and Gap Hoodies came from...

Santa Claus must stop by your house once a quarter!

However, you should be forewarned; I'm a little bit touched.  No, not in the Hallmark greeting card way.  In the "if you see someone peering over their steering wheel in the parking lot with a trench coat, cat eye sunglasses and a black scarf wrapped fabulously over their head staring at you" or "if you sense someone is in your bushes looking at you eat dinner" or  "keep your peripheral vision open because I might run in for the tackle at any moment" sort of way.

And I'm not mad because I spend money on quality clothing for MY CHILDREN (notice I said "MY" not "OUR") that keeps coming up missing; but for the principle that you would permanently borrow these items with no thought or regard as to the child you are stealing them from. And do it multiple times! The shame!

I see you. You've been warned and put on notice.
SECURITY!

We're Breaking Up

Expose: The Bad Habits of People on Craigslist

Hellllllllllllllllllooooooooo WATMG peeps!
How have ya' been? I've missed you all so dearly.  Grab some tea... kick off your marabous... Sit a spell and let's chat!

So, you know how I love Craigslist, right?  Well, if you didn't know- I do.  It's like a menagerie of mayhem! An online garage sale! A flea market without fleas! Whatever you want, you can find it on Craigslist!

Admittedly, I've gotten a lot off of Craigslist including my last corporate job, a few hard to find toys, my house,  fried shrimp, barbecue shrimp, broiled shrimp...

I once even found a helicopter... It came shipped in 27 boxes; but the fear that it also came with Ikea "draw me" instructions made me pass on the purchase...

But, there is something that annoys me. Craigslisters- we have to get our descriptions together.  No longer will this blog allow you... all meeeellions of you... to post things inaccurately. It's just a travesty in adjective abuse!  A waste of time for you and me. A bad way to start your day!

For instance, I've recently been searching for a beautiful chandelier to put above my dining room table so I can host lavish dinner parties and showcase the best of  Boston Market my culinary kitchen extraordinaire. And while doing so, I've come across things like this:

...that would be one piece for sale. It was described as a hanging Chandelier with a bonus accent piece. Bonus accent piece, ha?   Perhaps I should put it on the dining room table?  That should make for interesting conversation, pending I can see my guests...

Or how about this treasured gem from the Davy Jones Shipwreck collection? It was described as an "ornate brass chandelier" and it can be yours for the low price of $250...

Ornate??? Is that what we are going with??? Fugly was too hard to type? As long as the barnacles on it don't start talking...

This piece below would be perfect for your little bean's room.  And you can save $425 on buying it because it's on sale, now... RIGHT NOW... for $75

May be cute to someone... but that's some sort of love that made you buy a $500 moon and star chandelier... maybe I just don't get it... to each their own!

Now, this piece was described as having "amazing globes"

wait for it....



WAIT FOR IT!!!!!!










BAM!!!!

well, that was rather anti-climatic...
I guess, what could be considered amazing is that these globes cost $4 each at Lowe's but the seller of this piece wants $400.  Because upside down globes will rock your world, peeps.  Don't deny yourself the $400  light of cool...
Maybe the lister was tripping on 'shrooms... I could see how being high would make this seem like  AWESOMESAUCE!

Yes, this picture would be the "elegant" light fixture you clicked to inquire about. Conveniently listed under chandelier... because what's better than an overstated brass crystal mistake from the 80's than a few smaller brassy chandelier friends to scatter about the room?  It'll be GRANDTASTIC!

Or, if you are really, extremely fast, you can purchase a yet to be photographed chandelier that was $250 for $45! Details of the Emperor's New Chandelier can be described to you with a simple phone call to the lister... because he has a bevy of words that will describe it better than the two sentence post!

Let's agree to stop the madness, here and today.

Here are the suggested NEW Craigslist rules that we should all abide by:
1. There is someone out there who will want your junk.  Represent it wisely and sell quickly.  Doing otherwise will only waste time for everyone involved.

2. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Someone will look at these things and scour Craigslist for the next 4-5 days trying to find them; while I think they are all FUUUUGGGLLLLYYY less than pretty.  I get that.  So, just stick to the facts! No need for 1000 descriptive words (says the marketing professional).  I really can't believe I just let that escape my head... so we'll say limited descriptive words.  Just be accurate!

3. Be ready to part with your junk! The reason you paid $15,000 for that monstrosity  in 1982 is because it was in style then.  It went out by 1983... so, no, I, nor anyone with eyesight is willing to pay $14,995 for it today...mmmm k? Old and crusty does not equal vintage.  I know you are not willing to negotiate, but remember, you are trying to unload your fugly onto us because you can't stand the sight of it either... just remember my driving across town to get it is charity.  You should really pay someone to take it...

4. Please... puuuuh-leeeease (!!!!) post a picture.  I don't want to read 15 paragraphs and drive across town to find out you don't have what I want... and I don't feel like being spammed by you later on, either, when no one else wants to buy it.

So, can we all agree that this will make Craigslist a happier place? Puuuurty plllllllleeeease?!?!?!

Moral of the story: Don't abuse adjectives. They are your friends.

Kids Who Are WAAAY Cooler Than You

Just when your self esteem was getting it together... the music industry releases came up with some children who are way cooler than you...

Let's start here: Mindless Behavior

I was bopping along in the car to this song... thought it was about traveling across the world.

I've recently been able to listen to it because my son is in love with it... so, I do what I must for his musical education (aka- any excuse will do).

By the way... expect me to show up with afro boy's hair in 3...2...

Come to find out, this is the children's new Jackson 5, New Edition, NKOTB, N'Sync, B2K new generation... praying that they don't go the way of the groups that proceeded them.


And while we're on the subject, let's take a look at Diggy Simmons' song, "Copy Paste".  I feel like they try to do it like me, too.  I think I should play this in a work setting for a few folks...

Aren't there child labor laws to protect our adult cool from stuff like this... Secretly adding them to my ipod workout list... Enjoy the cuteness while you can Pumas and Cougars! 



Celebrity Benefit and Telethon

People.

.....blank stare.....

Let's all donate to the Little Wayne No Longer Needs To Shop at 5-7-9 Fund

A pair of women's leopard jeggings is a terrible thing to waste.

Phone lines are open.

The BMA's: Beyonce Maternity Announcement Ceremony

Sunday night's VMA's, in my opinion, was a smorgasbord of glitz, glamour, tomfoolery and shenanigans! I originally decided that since I was coming down from a birthday celebration high, I wasn't going to hold my usual Facebook commentary and just be a silent witness...

Then, while rocking my son to sleep, I saw this on my phone:

Photo:Wire Image

Wait, Whaaaaaa? Beyonce???? Pregnant??? 

I mean, my poor little bean barely got to shut his eyes before I had him down in the crib and came back to the grid to partake in the entire show. I had to get to the bottom of this! I mean, I was having a full on Stan attack moment.

This was, quite possibly, the most important television announcement since Obama won the 2008 election!  Baby Carter is going to be the most watched celebrity in Hollywood- maybe even more so than the child's parents.

I mean, I heard the baby was already signed to a 10 year record deal with Live Nation! IMG is representing the baby in the model contract negotiations with House of Dereon, Rocawear and Loreal. Coty is creating a fragrance! Maybach is currently creating a minivan... if you're interested and have an extra milli laying around under a couch somewhere... Beyonce is currently recording the diamond selling children's albums 12345 and ABC Day; and Jay-Z just found his 100th problem: getting into an upper crust New York prep school.

If that's not enough, Mama Tina has a new line of glittery baby leotards coming to a Walmart near you!

All in all- this baby is bigger than your life. It already holds the new world record for having the most tweets per second on twitter...

But church of WAtoMG, I don't want you to concentrate on baby Carter (aka GooGoo Gaga Knowles Carter) and how our lives will be consumed with the baby until early adulthood/sainthood/knightship.  No, instead, I want you to continue on with life as normal. The new normal...

Try not to concentrate on Entertainment Tonight and all of the other nightly "news" magazines that will hold your attention for a half hour to talk to the person at the end of the show who briefly passed Beyonce after a Doctor's appointment; and may or may have not heard what was said. Close your ears as these shows hire Dr. Drew to talk about how "he's not Beyonce's doctor; but if he was, he can tell you how she feels right now".  I want you remain steadfast and not spend hours of your work day... wasting time... trying to figure out what color the baby's room is going to be on the yacht they are taking to the south of France to buy some brie.  And MOST OF ALL don't expect to be invited to the baby shower AND PLEASE refrain from throwing your own...

Church, I know this will come as an immediate shock, but,  life will go on.  The shift of energy may be causing these Quakiccanados all up and down the East Coast; but I promise: things will return to the new normal.  

Your bills will still come. The gas will still be high. 

The only thing that will be different is the amount of leotards and shiny tights available at Walmart.

And the Maybach minivan... which you can't afford anyway.

And if you really... I mean REALLY just CANNOT for any other reason concentrate on anything else than the birth GooGoo Gaga Knowles Carter and the world tour that is sure to follow, then ask yourself this one, very simple question:

What the hell is that on Katy Perry's head????

Photo: Getty Images

Well, I guess if you're going to do something, do it big.  I'm happy for them.  

The moment your life changed just in case you missed it

The Fall of August

Does anyone, besides me, remember when August used to be a summer month?

Remember when August 1st rolled around you weren't even really thinking about school; and that you actually had 4 more weeks before school started?

Now, all of a sudden, August 1st rolls around and the ice cream trucks get kicked to the curb by school buses! The smell of coconut suntan lotion is swapped for the stench of school lunch; and swimsuits are snatched off of people everywhere in favor of boring school/work clothes. THE NERVE!

I was happily enjoying my three week summer sabbatical with my four year old son and nephew; and my niece who is ten.   We spent days off the computer lounging by our neighborhood pool; catching a movie; going bowling or traveling to the beach. The four of us... frolicking and running amok. Then summer was abruptly and indefinitely suspended by the call of school for my niece.  This was bad enough until my son's preschool/daycare called and said that he was expected back on August 8. Really? Expected?

Will I go to time out for this parenting infraction?

What happened and who approved the decision to cut summer short?  Was I Were the children just having too much fun?

I'm an August baby.  Meaning, I expect all 3 of my followers to write and find out what I want for my birthday I love summer and especially August. Unlike winter, summer's long, hot, steamy days have plenty of options like taking a dip in the pool, finding somewhere to get ice cream and keeping your mind out of the gutter (because I know some of you went there after reading long, hot and steamy in one sentence).  Why are we cutting the one time of year when everything is alive, things feel good and the day never lets you down? Why are we in such a rush to make it fall?  This is a tragedy! Someone needs to call the Mayor of Whoville and arrest the Grinch who stole summer!!!!  

Until I get to the bottom of this, we need to think fast and find a finger to point the blame!  And who is the finger pointed at for this debauchery and tomfoolery? Hallmark.  Mmmmhmmm... Hallmark! ...As in the card company...

YES! Children of America! Hallmark is the evil reason that you are in school early and summer is fleeing by the wayside.  Hallmark is the hater of August.  WHY? Because until I make this blog superdy dooperty famous, and become the first person to win the Presidency of the US for the Shenanigan Party; there are and will be no other holidays in August (until my birthday becomes one). So in an evil ploy to sell more cards, Hallmark has cut summer short by rushing Labor Day. Thus getting our minds to think "end of summer" right after the Fourth of July.

But you think the execs care about crushing the inner spirit of summer??? NO! THEY DON'T!  They need to make revenue and the only thing to celebrate in August is summer... so until we create a holiday, the theme is: August BE DAMNED!!!

WE CAN NOT LET THEM WIN!  WE MUST TAKE BACK SUMMER!

Follow this blog... it will save summer.

I do it for you.

There is a Place For Us...

A picture of the back splash I created in our condo. It's GAW-JUSSS... from afar...

I think in another life, I must have been an interior designer... or maybe I just had more decorative use for the straw in my hut than the next chick...  But either way, when it comes to DIY and home decor, I am like a 3 year old: I think I can do EVERYTHING by myself.

This obsession with DIY has been going on for a long time.  As a youngster, used to look at those old JC Penny catalogs, you know- the ones that used to double as booster seats in the kitchen, and relish over the items I would buy for my doll house once my father finally popped it out of the press board and put it together. However, upon further recollection of this memory, I realize this was something that never happened as it was in a garage sale during my teen years... looking all lonely... still in the box. Dying for miniature furniture...

Sorry... I lost myself in consulting my inner child... where was I?

Oh yes, DIY.   I look at all these blogs around the internet and everything looks so beautiful and easy to create. The posts promise that I, too, can go to my local Goodwill, buy something for $2, spray paint it and make it look like a million bucks; preferably in one afternoon and while wearing my marabou slippers and baking a pie.

But behind the scenes, these chicks are doing the most!  Working with miter saws! Painting with power sprayers! Shooting off nail guns! Cutting to exact measurements! Pouring chemicals! All types of shenanigans that would take your fingers off- not to mention, ruin a good mani!

So here's the thing with my DIY'ing: I need shortcuts!  I am a sucker for short cuts! Where's the Gorilla Glue? The duct tape? Coloring it in with a marker??? The love of measurements that are "good enough for now"???

Child, you can't tell me that Gorilla Glue can't build a house! I've once built a custom shoji screen using Gorilla Glue, florescent light screens and some wood molding that was cut "good enough"  from the hardware store.  Never mind the fact that I had to check on it everyday to see if it was still standing! The fact was, it was done- and so was I!  A DIY project off my list!

But I still NEED to DIY something.  Anything! Maybe my kitchen can use a double side taped floor?  And then I saw it: the place for people like me.  It was on Censtational Girl's website and it's taking place June of 2012.  The Haven Conference. Where my favorite DIY bloggers will give me endless reasons to spend my 401k in Hobby Lobby and Home Depot so I can make beautiful new doo-dad thingies!  It's going to be GRANDTASTIC!!!!! And it's happening right in my backyard so no excuses!

The conference promises to show me how to create all sorts of goodies.  And get this: YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO USE POWER TOOLS! Uhhh-huh!!!! Like the stuff that is more powerful than my $10 drill- although that little sucka gets the job done...  Just look behind my TV for proof!  Wall looks like Swiss cheese back there. Don't tell anyone, mmmk?

With any hopes, I'll be able to show off my new kitchen done ALL BY MYSELF.... and an electrician.  Because there are somethings I'll NEVER attempt!

Until that time, crooked is the new straight. Pass it on...

The Curios Case of Ugly Shoes

...

...

Somethings just leave me speechless.

And as you can tell from my long winded posts, that's not exactly easy.

I used to be a shoe fiend.  But it seems that most shoe companies have come down with a case of the uglies.  Are people depressed because of the recession? What is going on?! 

I know, I know, "shoes are a form of self expression!". But what I really want to know is: "What in the ham sammich is being said?!?!?!"

Take, for instance, these "WHAT IN THE CRIMINAL HELL IS THAT?!?!?" pair,
shall we?:

Ummm. ..... ah.... I'm almost afraid of these shoes.  Who in the bestiality hell thought this was a good idea? But you know, the hoof is not the worst part.  The heel and the zipper. And fur.  You've gotta think that the animal that died for this cause must be turning over in its grave. How sad that someone would kill them to contribute to this fugliness.

You would have to huff 3-4 cans of Pledge to wear these hoof shoes.
Don't. For your own good.
On either account. 

And what about these:

See, there's a time when your True Blood/Twilight obsession is okay.  And then there is this. In which case, if you are even in consideration of buying, would warrant you back away from the computer and seek help.  Immediately.  Like... fuuuureal.  I do it because I love you.  

*Sigh*

Facebook.  Please stop allowing your "friends" to tag you in pictures of this craziness.  Nike heels: because you never know when a game of pick up basketball will happen while you are in line for the club.  I mean, it happens.  At least you're prepared if the ish goes down and you have to run out.  Go get 'em Girl Scout!

Am I the exception to the rule that your toes get coldest first? Because I've seen a lot of this:

WTH?!?!? W....T.....H?!?!

It's like stirrup pants married some Barney sandals only to be cut off at the shin.  What in the sweaty ankle kind of tomfoolery is this?? Reverse Socks? I just can't.

LORD OF THE DANCE!

Is this like the lighter side of Goth or something? I mean, did you feel a little whimsy today and decide that floral was the new black? The buckles would suggest that it took a little while to strap these things up; which gives me the strong inclination that you had plenty of time to witness this foolishness as it was happening.
The truth? You want the truth?!?!? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!  ... And neither can I.  Fugliness is a SIN!  A SIN and a SHAME!

...And then you had the nerve to put on some socks... Black socks at that....

I have to go.  My eyes will need all the beauty sleep they can get to recover from this nonsense.

Photo credits have not been given to protect the innocent and keep them out of my comment box talking about the "prettiness" of their shoes. Bye, child!

Hasta La Vista, BABY!!!!

Friends.

Let's bow our head in a moment of silence for our resident who was in the roof.

A lonely little bat who lost his way in the wilderness and found himself in the fabulousness of my roof.  Not that I can blame him... we saw our house and decided that we needed to move in IMMEDIATELY, too.  He was a bat with great taste; but no real sensibility-  since it's as hot as a sauna on a cast iron skillet in the attic.

*Sigh*

We'd like to thank the beast catcher lady and her CSI head flashlight thingy for this discovery.

I would say I'm going to miss the little fella; but I won't.  Just keepin' it real...


NEXT!

Justin Bieber Has a New Kind of Funk



Photo Credit: Jamie McCarthy, Getty Images

The thing about having a new baby is that you don't get out the house much.  So, on a recent trip to my local mall, I was surprised to find little Justin Beiber cut outs EVERY FRIGGIN' WHERE! I wondered if there was a new concert that was coming to town.  Maybe he was going to be at the mall doing some sort of promo...

And then I saw it.  Hanging above my head.  A new women's girl's fragrance by Justin Bieber called "Someday". Someday?  As in "Someday, I'll be crazy enough to buy that." or maybe "Someday, that will be considered cool..."

Just when I started believing in my marketing peeps worldwide, they go and pull this jack move.  Don't get me wrong.  Good for Bieber that he's leaning on the 7 minutes he has left on his fame clock and getting every dime he can; but a $50 fragrance?  In major department stores? For girls? From a pubescent boy?  mmmmmk.

Oh the stench headache his concerts must have become... little trees everywhere are cringing just thinking about it.

Sadly enough, there aren't many people out there lately that have risen to fame like Bieber, so I guess someone had to do it. However, just in case the people at  Coty get any ideas, here is my short list of celebrities we don't want to smell like:

NICKI MINAJ PRESENTS: BOOTY

This cologne just smells like ass.  Hot pink, rainbow wig wearing, ass.  And you will, too, once you wear it.

NANCY GRACE PRESENTS: SWEET JUSTICE

This cologne has tender notes in the beginning. Everything about it is 100% right.  No one could ever tell you that the facts of this funk just don't add up.  And then, all of a sudden, towards the end of the day it just turns sour.  Everything about it is all wrong.  You'll have to get an investigative team around you to find out what smells like armpits; only to find out it's the Nancy Grace scowl of funk upon you.

SNOOKI PRESENTS CONFUSION

Photo Credit: TMZ, WENN

This mix of pickle juice, steroids and coconut oil will make you believe you are a lone lost cast member of the Jersey Shore.  However, a quick check of your bank account will confirm that your shenanigans go unpaid. Therefore, leave the druken "skirt with thong cartwheels in public" to the professionals. That move will get you arrested in real life.

JWOWW PRESENTS: SILICONE  

Photo Credit: MTV

This slippery concoction smells like cigarettes and a bar fight.  Good news is that it will attract a nice juicehead with limited funds and a bad attitude.  Bad news is that your extensions will go up in flames after one spray.  Choose your battles wisely.

KE$HA PRESENTS: DIRTY GIRL 



Photo Credit: WENN

 This is a scent you wear to the gym as man repellent.  It has an earthy scent like mold and fertilizer... if you leave it on too long, you may grow something foreign or turn into a zombie warrior. Whichever comes first... 


Enough to singe the hairs out your nose...



THE FOURTH OF JULY NEWS BROADCAST

Good evening and welcome to the Spadazzle News Network.  Covering the glittery shenanigans happening in your town on a daily basis.  Topping our news this fourth of July weekend is the extreme weather.  We are expecting hater-ific  thunderstorms.

Our top reporter, Meghan Mcglover is out at storm central Spadazzle.  Let's check-in with her in the midst of the storm...

Take it away Meghan!

KABOOM!

Signs the Economy is Worse Than Originally Predicted

Since early 2010,  we watched as financial guru after financial guru claimed that the recession was officially over.  That we should take to the streets to rejoice in our good fortune!  Spend money uncontrollably like we did before!  "Why wait? Spend now!" they all convinced us.

But unfortunately, due to our overwhelming addiction to everything social media, there are definite signs that we are being lied to, bamboozled and hoodwinked!  People everywhere know the truth.  All signs point to it being worse than we ever thought!  EPIC LEVELS!  Panic is widespread as people try to escape. How do I know?  Well take a look:

PLANKING:  

It takes a special kind of stupid to come up with a game where you lay down, face down, with your hands at your side and have someone take a picture of you.  I mean, what kind of bored do you have to be?  I ran into some high school girls at the mall doing this and thought, "well...stupid is to be expected in high school"...

But one quick trend glance at twitter proves that we, the adults, are doing it in DROVES!  People in the park: PLANKING!  People at the store: PLANKING!  People at work: PLANKING!  It only means one thing: there is nothing to damn do! And what do people do when they have nothing to do? Go to sleep!  So it only makes perfect and total sense that one would take to planking as a way to combine their total boredom and nap time to new and phenomenal heights.  

Until we all return to work, planking will remain a widespread problem.  I mean, think of all the things you can procrastinate on while planking...which will make your life seem totally more interesting as you're running around later trying to get everything done!  GENIUS!

GO THE F*%K TO SLEEP: THE BOOK FOR ADULTS

I'm not going to lie, I thought this book was hilarious when I first heard it.  I mean, Samuel L. Jackson reading it immediately made me think of Pulp Fiction and how I sometimes wish my children would learn to love the joy of sleep...

But then, I had to think about this book again.  Why are we so angry? I'll tell you why!  It's the rap music.  We are all gangstas!!!! Because we don't have the money to give a ...  so we don't!  And the feeling that we have lost everything has suburban moms pouring out a little liquor at the loss of Gymboree memberships due to financial cut backs (I mean, have you ever been home with a 4 year old all day hyped up off sugar? Surprised they aren't drinking that liquor).  So instead of jumping off the deep end, we will stroke our inner child's ego by creating a children's book especially made for adults. That way, we can read it quickly and get back to planking.  Because it's all about priorities people.

16 AND PREGNANT

MTV claims that they have totally fixed the teen mom problem with this show; yet they keep coming up with a new cast.  Season after season, we watch these teens prance around at the beginning of their pregnancy with their boyfriend they are going to spend forever with.  And  by the end the show, they are lonely, eating bon bons and talking about how much their life sucks!!!

Don't worry, if you missed it, because they will recap the whole season and then have Dr. Drew come out to diagnose their life's degree of suck-iness; hopefully breaking them down into tears in the process.  On another note, has anyone besides me counted just how many times this educated man says "Baby Daddy"???

But the reality of 16 and Pregnant is: this show kicked Sweet 16 to the curb!  Whaaaa? Why?  Because with the market crashing day after day, these millionaire dads didn't have money to spend on darling's first Helicopter anymore and spoiled children everywhere took to therapy thus dramatically reducing the supply of parties.  On top of that, Wall Street Tycoons are now working at the McDonald's they once owned!  Which only led to more teens not being able to get a job there.  And teen planking. On top of each other. It's all a vicious cycle, sheeple, spawned by MTV and banks across America to dumb down the severity of this crisis!

HGTV: HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL

Nothing says: "GET OUT WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME!!!!" like House Hunter's International.  I mean, every night, every day, every minute of everyday!  If we aren't Designing to Sell, we are staging our Unsellables! Mike Holmes is telling you your house was made out of straw!  It will fall apart at any second! We have to move overseas!  Where it is SAFE.  We can live off the $3 we have left in our 401k's and still have a beach front residence in the slums.  Our children can grow amoungst the natives and share our stories of fortune on the mainland.  We'll shuck clams and remember the days that HGTV programming included design shows that would have told us how to better decorate our shanties and what, exactly, you are to do with a dirt floor.  

I'll give you a design tip: mosquito netting is the new black in tropic countries.  Get it from Ikea now before it's too late... because obviously, HGTV is trying to key us in to something we don't know...

CELEBRITIES SHOWING OFF THEIR JUNK

We've reached an all time low.  There used to be a time when people would at least have the dignity to sit on the corner with a cardboard sign stating that they would work for food and jingling their coins.  But now?  Oh no... celebrities just take pictures of their junk and post it for all the free loving world.  Dirty bathroom and all. Draws on the floor, toothpaste on the mirror, trying to look sexy. Why? Because they are out of work and bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.  And bored people do stupid things.  Like take pictures of their junk.

It didn't reach epic proportions until people in Congress started doing it.  And I'm not even talking about Wiener- because that's sort of a cool little branding thing he could have had going on... but I'm talking about the rest of the idiots out there who want to show off their stupid opinions, like getting rid of the EPA, via social media. And why are your favorite politicians taking to the airwaves with their unedited tweets and statuses even though they have a staff that can do this for them?  BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!!  And if they have nothing to do, then obviously, either will we.  

MAN DOWN! 

A Night at the Circus: An Encore Performance

Grab your marabous and clutch the pearls: there is a mouse in the house!

So, the noise we heard the other night came back for an encore performance...  However, instead of just making noise around the fireplace, it decided to drop in for a visit on top of the fireplace box.

Now, I never knew I could sing like Mariah Carey; but apparently this warranted an octave that only this thing could hear!  I mean, seriously.  It was dancing around on top of the fireplace box like friggin' Savion Glover. ALL. NIGHT.LONG.  Tickity, tick, tick, tick!  I was TERRIFIED.  I stayed up the whole night to once again make sure that it didn't come in; because if it did and I was asleep, the thought of me not being able to run off screaming like a crazed lunatic made me... well... just a regular lunatic.

 Hubs, once again, was asleep. Aside from the minimum of 50 times that I woke him up for a status report.

IMMEDIATELY that night, I called a road kill company and scheduled an appointment for the next morning. I was not going to handle this without reinforcements!  And those reinforcements came at a price: $200 just to take a look around and make sure that I didn't need to be committed.  I began to think this could be a good career choice for me; pending that I could get over my white knuckle, heart attack fear...

...perhaps, I could assess the situation from the curb??? No???

I digress...

So, to my surprise, a woman came to my door to service the problem!  I immediately thought of the posters from the 1950's with the women mechanics and how different this was from the burly man with plumber's crack, two teeth, and hair that looked like a few of the rat's nests he collected along the way I'd imagined would come.  I kinda felt like a wuss... for about .03 seconds.

She was going to take on the BEAST!  Kill it with her bare hands and that little flashlight thingy on top of her head! I was going to insert an evil laugh at it as she carted it away!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!

She came out of the attic and determined that it might be a flying squirrel... or a mouse.... or rats... or Dr. Damn Seuss... and proceeded to set the traps.  She added up a total assessment to fix the house (another $400) and handed me an invoice. Said she would be back on Friday.

... Ummm, come again?!?!?  No, really, you can stay in the guest room... better yet, in our bedroom until you can catch it!  REALLY! I cook and EVERYTHING! Feel how plush the bed is!

...no go... :-(

So, until Fivel moves out via the hearse express, I have decided to have an in house staycation in the guest room (aka- hubs is not paying for the St. Regis, Ritz... not even the Super 8 so get in where you fit in, sistah!).  Funny thing is that it actually does feel like I'm sleeping at a hotel... minus the spa, and housekeeping... Not only that, I'm closer to the children's rooms; which is nice- until they wake up at zero o'clock.

Pray for me.

Still in Discovery

Blogosphere.  Seems that everyday I find something that appeals to me. Like having a magazine that you can read from cover to cover.

It's become apparent to me that in order to make this thing work, I'm going to have to stick to the facts.  And only the facts.  So, I have to pick a subject and stick to it.

I know from years as a marketing professional that you all like pictures.  Because no one really reads the internet.  They are in it for the digital eye candy.  So, I'll have to look for a new camera to document the foolishness of the day.  Which is fine by me because it forces me to get out of the house!

So, here I go! Into the world... out to find a new camera.

Catch me if you can!

Marketing Minute: Is Your Answering Service Ruining Your Brand?

CEO's, Company Presidents, Company Collection Agencies, Managers of Billing Departments:

Do me and yourselves a favor-  take 2-3 hours out of your day, call your customer service line and take an intimate tour of your automated system.  Because clearly, with the amount of shenanigans going on by a vast majority of these systems, you can't be aware of the problems your customers encounter...

Between the computers that answer and send you through a water board interrogation of your account that never seems to make it to the customer service rep; to listening to the 3 hours worth of shnazzy jazzy music promising a non-english speaking "someone" will get to you "shortly" (eventually would be more accurate); visions of sugarplums dance in my head thinking about the MILLIONS of dollars you must be losing to save MAYBE a couple hundred thousand in salaries... based on hiring maybe 10 more people???

I bet the last part of that ramble on statement got your attention...

Yes, you and your company are losing MILLIONS of dollars due to your lack of customer service...

How?

1. Because Susie told John who told Amanda who told her second cousin twice removed not to go with your company because of a review they read on the internet based on what happened during a recent call to your company (which will live on FOREVER!  Some of you should skip golfing and take the afternoon reading your consumer reviews)
2. Because no one... and I do mean NO ONE prefers to call into a computer automated system to have a complex question answered.  
3. Because your customer service reps are part of a vicious cycle set forth by your automated computer system.  What's the cycle you ask? Well it goes like this: you spend money hiring and training a great CS rep; customer calls automated system and gets stuck in water board interrogation then left on hold for all eternity; customer gets pissed; CS rep answers phone and gets flamed by customer; CS rep quits due to an "abusive job"...

Now, I know some recent MIT grad, who you paid a boatload in consulting fees for an analysis regarding  moving customer service support to Mars, made PERFECT sense at the time.  However, the aftermath is an internet full of customers who HATE your company because they can't get a simple yes/no/kiss my ass answer from you as to the status of their account. Instead, your customers are talking to each other via the internet... and avoiding you like the black plague!!! Not to mention, your bad reviews are hitting your branded keywords and coming up with every Google search on your company...  

In working and training branded customer service reps for luxury products,  I'll share with you what luxury products know: that you can put a logo on a plain piece of brown plastic, make it into a bag, and charge $5000 for it because of the EXPERIENCE.  Nothing more, nothing less.  The bag will probably fall apart in a couple of years; but who cares?!?! Said company already paid for the bag 5000 times over.  So they'll give you a new one!  But the customer brags on and on about their $5000 bag because when they called, the company promptly sent them a new one.  Even answered the phone on the first ring!!!!

But your company... on no.  We don't get that.  What we get is the automated system.  The virtual middle finger of customer service.  

Look, I'm sure most of us would pay another $2 in our invoice to be able to talk to a live person, thus paying the minimum wage salary to have someone coherent and fluent enough in English to answer a simple yes or no question on an account status.  If you would, we would love you forever... giving you that seemingly illusive thing you crave: brand loyalty (imagine that). 

Until then, see if your grandma needs a job answering phones.  Someone. Anyone. 

GO AWAY!!!!

Note to self: Marabou slippers are not made for running...

Some people attract men. Some attract money. It's come to my attention that I, indeed, attract shenanigans. And not of the regular variety... no, I attract the kind that inspire sitcoms. Whole series in their honor.

So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that as I was about to settle into my nice comfy bed, I should hear something in the fireplace in my room. The beautiful, romantic fireplace that inspired our house purchase. The one that is oh... about 2 feet or so away from my bed. Staring at me like a black hole of terror while the beast is trying to scratch it's way into my house... WTH people??? W.T.H...

Certain things are becoming abundantly clear to me. Like why I have two boys. My first born told me earlier tonight that he was going to turn into the Hulk to smash the thunderstorm. My bay-bay is too young to say what he thinks; but I know he's got the eye of the tiger- I see it already. On the other hand, my dear hubs, who's given me the nick name "Over Reaction Jackson" is asleep. Why? Because he's checked the perimeter and deems there is no imminent threat to life and limb. *side-eye- I know you just love me for the insurance!

Nevertheless, even with my household filled with testosterone, I will be up all night. Making sure that nothing is there. So I can take off running and screaming like a banshi just in case there is. Because clearly, I will be of no help in this situation...

Could you imagine if we had two girls? The three of us throwing up our glitter in fear??? Running with arms flailing into the night? Tripping over our dear marabous? Because one of us saw a bug??? Yesterday... that is now dead?

Thank God that He knows what's best for us...

Well, I hope you all get a good night's rest. In the meantime, I've turned the TV on and it's loud. I'll be praying for refuge. My nightlight is on so I can see the enemy before it sees me. My dad always told me that these things are more afraid of humans than we are of them. I believe that to be poppycock and a lie, counselor!!! Because with the way they Deebo and Gangsta their way around me, I am clearly the punk in this situation.

Send reinforcements.

B4: Building a Business with Baby on Booby

Really computer lady? Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?

...And wipe that simple ass grin off your face!!!

Women of the world: we have to do it all, don't we?!?! If it wasn't for that chick Eve and her apple! Good grief!

So, I'm in the process of redeveloping my marketing company, Melanie Gayles Marketing. Something... in the VERY back of my mind... I mean- a weeeee corner in the very dark cob webby back, told me it would be a good idea to try this while I am still breastfeeding my newborn son. Have you ever tried to type on a laptop while a baby's head is in the way? If not, may I take the pleasure of suggesting you don't anytime soon.

Breastfeeding is like a sport for champions. And I... well, I am like in the remedial class of this championship tourney... with the people who were picked last for dodge ball. I mean, I've seen moms who whip out their boob like it's a weapon. I, on the other hand, have problems even finding the stupid bra clip. Seriously. I'm beginning to wonder if this is a hand/eye coordination thing I need to get checked out...

So, suffice to say,because I am slow on the draw, my son and I are at this thing all day. And I don't say that as a metaphor for like 10 minutes. I mean, all day. And all night. And the middle of the night. And during the blackout, "ain't nothin' open but hospitals and legs" hours of the morning. Get it?

When they said bonding experience, I was thinking emotional... not crazy glue.

But there are times, when he goes to sleep- like now- and I can commence with my worldwide domination (muwahahahaha). So far, I've built my website, started this blog, come up with some events to spread my shenanigans with the world, found a semi-investor (we'll get to that later). Not bad for doing it all while walking around with my B4 bonding kit attached to me!

I guess we can have it all. Sort of...