TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY!!!!!

Black Friday at Target 

I have no idea why stores like to rush directly from Halloween to Christmas.  Because in the middle... is the MONSTER TRUCK of all holidays.  A day so special, it is being honored by most businesses everywhere as a paid holiday:

BLACK FRIDAY (also known at the WAtoMG as TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY!!!)

Yeah, I know... you were thinking Thanksgiving.  Well, while you're getting your chomp chomp on; there will be a soccer mom, somewhere, doing pull-ups, so she can maneuver her elbows high enough to "accidentally" give you one to the face while trying to wrestle Dance Revolution 2 out of your firm grip.

I started shopping the TUCK AND ROLL Friday sales about two years ago.  Prior to that, I still had a bad taste in my mouth about the whole day because as a former retail worker, I hated that I had to work NO MATTER WHAT! Not working meant that I would no longer have a job come HOLY ISH!!! SATURDAY, which happens to be the day following BLACK FRIDAY when most shoppers realize the mortgage was just spent on the 5 awesome, non-refundable LCD TV's, some tube socks, and a 3 way crock pot.

But there's something about having children that for me, justified the absolute absurdity of getting up at zero o'clock to hang out with a bunch of crazy folks; holding my life in my hands shopping for God only know what (which probably would still be available on GAAAAH!! WHO WANTS THAT? Sunday).

Aaaaand let's not forget...the Power Wheel cool convertible: on sale for $99.  Yeeeee-HAAAAW!  I was doing it for the children, folks.

So, the first time I attended TUCK AND ROLL Friday, I jumped out of bed at 5:00 AM.  I was sleepwalking because the overall excitement made me restless; but I went out anyway because there were sales to be had!!!! I had a pocket full of credit that was burning a hole in my jeans.

The streets of my neighborhood were silent with visions of sugar plums dancing in the non-certifiables' heads.  However, once I was right around the corner from Walmart, all chaos ensued! People!  As far as the eye can see! It looked like a swarm of bees around a nest! But that's not what struck me as odd.  What was strange is that they were leaving the store...with 3-4 TV's in their carts; DVD players; Power Wheels!  I was soooooo excited to be in there midst.... I KNEW I was going to get something good...

...Until I walked into the store and all that was left was a stale box of Cheerios and some memorabilia pallets that were empty and stamped with "BLACK FRIDAY WAS HERE". Apparently, these people left their families and the turkey; put on their Rambo gear and camped out... starting on Wednesday night... two weeks ago.

I was so sad.  I wallowed around the store aimlessly... wondering if the magic of Christmas was gone... if my child would look like Little Timmy in the Christmas Story asking for more porridge...

So, in a last ditch effort to save Christmas, I went to ask the one worker who wasn't hiding in a bunker if there were anymore Power Wheels left.  Holding a balloon and standing behind a shopping card, she looked at me roboticly and said, "DO YOU WANT IT?"

And there... in her cart was IT!  The gift that saved Christmas and TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY! No, not a Power Wheel; but something I wasn't even thinking about getting until that very moment when I couldn't let the sale go! A Samsung digital video camera for $150!  I was hooked!!! After doing the cabbage patch and the running man, I put the camera in my cart and proceeded to shop ecstatically for things I didn't need!  Towels for $1.50? CHECK! A mini chopper for $2? DOUBLE CHECK!  A big wheel that would be that same Black Friday price through the whole season? TRIPLE CHECK, SNITCHES!!!!! I was skipping around the store with a delirious "I just saved $150 by shopping on Black Friday" look on my face! In general, I felt GRANDTASTIC about my purchases and swore that next year, I would have a plan, a map, walkie talkies, and tents like some of the other fanatics out there... Double fist pump to the chest for my new peeps!

However, when 2010 Tuck and Roll Friday came around, I had no such luck.  I was in Tennessee. The day produced one of those annoyingly cold misty rains.  And people were parked 3 miles back from Walmart at 8 PM; hitching rides to the front door.   I was about 17.5 months pregnant and the thought of Susan Soccer Mom elbowing me for the last $5 game of Cooties as I waddled through the store about to bite someone was not appealing. Something about pregnancy brings you to your better senses... unless you are considering pickles and ice cream. In which case, my whole point would be ruined.

Instead, last year, was the dawn of a new brand of crazy. I had to bind Mr. WAtoMG's fingers together and remove the mouse from his computer as he was clicking to glory on Cyber Monday- the holiday that happens if you didn't remorse for previous sins during HOLY ISH!!! SATURDAY and the big boxes way to relieve you of your 401 (k).

But this year will be different!  This year will be it! My year to buy all of Christmas in one day.  I've already been looking at the circulars.  I have my son's walkie talkies. I've been training for marathons and taking yoga! I have power bars, a cooler of water, canned goods, sleeping bags and a portable DVD player. Thanksgiving dinner is already purchased courtesy of Marie Calendar TV dinners...

And my tuck and roll is vicious... Operation Occupy Walmart is in full effin' effect!

Oh yes, people! Marabou slippers will be running like Wilma Rudolph at a store near you! Pearls and pin-curls! Arms flailing! Frenzy to the fullest!

Because what would please the big banks, politicians and the Occupy Movement more than if all of America creates a holiday to go into the RED making sure big corporate stores get into the BLACK?

The power of suggestion over the sheeple...

The moral of the story: be careful out there both physically and financially. Make a list.  Research your purchases and get the things you are certain about. Don't be mean to the sales people... they are frightened from the madness and really just want to be home with their families while you are participating in the crazy. And remember: the spirit of the holidays and giving is not about how much money you saved by switching to Geico; but about time with family and the memories that are created.

Making a mental note and preaching to the choir. Doing lunges... and listening to "The Final Countdown"

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Photo Credit- MSNBC