Nevermind... there is someone better

Last night, while on Facebook, a friend of mine posted a video of  Miss Drea singing Adele's Someone Like You.  She had previously forgotten the lyrics in another video; however, now that she remembered them, she was going to sing the whole song...

So, I decided to really give this song a listen.  Normally, when I'm in the car, I can't hear it because there is a precocious 4 year old in the back covering it with his loose interpretation of the words...

So my thoughts after listening? Ladies: we need a reconnaissance mission.  It's time to take our self esteem back just in time for 2012!  I'll let some of you get away with this foolishness for now; however, come 2012, songs like this will get an immediate remix complete with a DJ scratching and a booty bass track.

What's wrong with the song you ask? Nothing in particular with the singing or the style of the song.  It is a beautiful piece of art.  But what's wrong is the mindset and the fact that so many women are content to think this way. 

Here are 5 of mindsets we need to change in 2012 from this song:

1. " I guess she gave you things that I didn't"  Analyzing your ex's new relationship:
   
   Okay, I get it.  The song is written by someone who is heartbroken.  But, um, she says "old friend".  And they have been married because she heard around town which means the invites went out, cake was cut, the champagne was popped and the DJ packed up and went home; while the ex girlfriend was at home sulking and looking at pictures from yester-year.  Women, let's make it a point: Take a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months to get over this dude; but once you are over him BE OVER HIM!  Stop looking at everyone he dates and comparing her to yourself. He likes her because he likes her- end of story.  Chances are, it has nothing to do with you. Analyzing it won't make the situation different. It's a waste of your time and a distraction from what you should be doing (like sticking a pin in his voodoo doll or something)
   
2. "I hate to turn up out the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it" STALKER! STALKERAZZIE!
   In real life, we call people who do things like this one of two things: either extremely rude or a stalker. In either case, that's not what you want to be.  All you wanted to do was see with your very own  two eyes that the rumors are true.  That's why Google was invented.  Google his name and see what is  true or false. I'm sure you have some mutual friends on facebook... ask them if you really need to know.  If it is, wish them well by suggesting they use this song every year for their anniversary and move on.
    
    Then make like Adele, become extremely successful and remind yourself who really lost something in the relationship.
   
3. "I hope you'd see my face and be reminded that for me, it isn't over..." Hanging On to a Dead Phone
   Oh, is that what that scowl is?  Or the crazy eyes?  Because if he didn't want you before, then showing up with crazy fire eyes will definitely make him want you now!!! Yippy! Awesome lyrics for a song; but again... a little Chucky Doll meets Nightmare on Elm Street-ish in the real world.  And, I'm sure, the new wife has been WAITING for an excuse to kick your arse after she saw you peering through the bushes trying to make sure they are really married.  Yeah, let this jackhole know it isn't over on the doorstep during dinner and see what really happens... SECURITY!
   
4. "Old friend why are you so shy? It's not like you to hold back or hide from the light"  Getting the Stoic Face from the Ex
   So, you ran up on him... and the wife... at the house... and he has the stoic face. It's not shyness, sweetness.  It's shock. What he's thinking is, "OH SH!T!!!"  or "AWKWARD!!!"   Because he can't even imagine why you, after all this time... are HERE.  Or care.  Because obviously, he doesn't.  And this can be proven by the wedding picture that is probably carefully placed in the foyer right over his left shoulder... you know, the same arm with the left hand and the ring.  Here's what you should have done: let HIM show up uninvited at one of your sold out concerts anywhere in the world (or for us commoners- some where that you're having loads of fun).  Then have security escort him out for being a threat to the show. Spend the money you made on the concert tickets knowing that he cared enough to spend his very best watching your glory from his peon seat in the nosebleed section.
   
5. "Nevermind, I'll find somebody like you... don't forget me, I beg..." Trying to Make Your New Man the Ex BUT Leaving a Shoe In The Door Just In Case
   Okay.  I saved this one for last because this is the most widespread, convoluted idea out there.  The wish and desire to find someone JUST LIKE your ex.  REALLY?  You want a person who would tell you at some point in your relationship, "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"?  Someone that doesn't even talk to you anymore and that you have to stalk to get their attention? Someone who obviously forgot you- as you are begging him not to forget you? SOMEONE WHO LEFT???   Ladies, ladies, ladies!!!!!! Let's get it together!  The man you are supposed to spend forever with doesn't say or do these things.  Most of all, part of getting to forever is, well, not leaving.  Your ex is an ex for a reason.  Find someone who is nothing like him... at all!  Stop dating the fairy tale person you created this ex to be in your head.  And if you were the one who ruined the relationship, you never really wanted him anyway! Why find someone else you are willing to run over and chase after the fact?  At any rate, here's a clue: if you are chasing someone, typically it's because they are running away. 

So please, let's be mindful of the new rules and start singing this song instead:

Nevermind, I found someone way better than you

I have completely forgotten you and what's her name, too

Please go away I beg. This relationship is dead

Sometimes you make mistakes and you have to lye in that bed

Sometimes you make mistakes and have to lye in that bed....

Special shout out and double fist pump to the chest to Mr. WAtoMG. Proof that someone better is out there!

TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY!!!!!

Black Friday at Target 

I have no idea why stores like to rush directly from Halloween to Christmas.  Because in the middle... is the MONSTER TRUCK of all holidays.  A day so special, it is being honored by most businesses everywhere as a paid holiday:

BLACK FRIDAY (also known at the WAtoMG as TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY!!!)

Yeah, I know... you were thinking Thanksgiving.  Well, while you're getting your chomp chomp on; there will be a soccer mom, somewhere, doing pull-ups, so she can maneuver her elbows high enough to "accidentally" give you one to the face while trying to wrestle Dance Revolution 2 out of your firm grip.

I started shopping the TUCK AND ROLL Friday sales about two years ago.  Prior to that, I still had a bad taste in my mouth about the whole day because as a former retail worker, I hated that I had to work NO MATTER WHAT! Not working meant that I would no longer have a job come HOLY ISH!!! SATURDAY, which happens to be the day following BLACK FRIDAY when most shoppers realize the mortgage was just spent on the 5 awesome, non-refundable LCD TV's, some tube socks, and a 3 way crock pot.

But there's something about having children that for me, justified the absolute absurdity of getting up at zero o'clock to hang out with a bunch of crazy folks; holding my life in my hands shopping for God only know what (which probably would still be available on GAAAAH!! WHO WANTS THAT? Sunday).

Aaaaand let's not forget...the Power Wheel cool convertible: on sale for $99.  Yeeeee-HAAAAW!  I was doing it for the children, folks.

So, the first time I attended TUCK AND ROLL Friday, I jumped out of bed at 5:00 AM.  I was sleepwalking because the overall excitement made me restless; but I went out anyway because there were sales to be had!!!! I had a pocket full of credit that was burning a hole in my jeans.

The streets of my neighborhood were silent with visions of sugar plums dancing in the non-certifiables' heads.  However, once I was right around the corner from Walmart, all chaos ensued! People!  As far as the eye can see! It looked like a swarm of bees around a nest! But that's not what struck me as odd.  What was strange is that they were leaving the store...with 3-4 TV's in their carts; DVD players; Power Wheels!  I was soooooo excited to be in there midst.... I KNEW I was going to get something good...

...Until I walked into the store and all that was left was a stale box of Cheerios and some memorabilia pallets that were empty and stamped with "BLACK FRIDAY WAS HERE". Apparently, these people left their families and the turkey; put on their Rambo gear and camped out... starting on Wednesday night... two weeks ago.

I was so sad.  I wallowed around the store aimlessly... wondering if the magic of Christmas was gone... if my child would look like Little Timmy in the Christmas Story asking for more porridge...

So, in a last ditch effort to save Christmas, I went to ask the one worker who wasn't hiding in a bunker if there were anymore Power Wheels left.  Holding a balloon and standing behind a shopping card, she looked at me roboticly and said, "DO YOU WANT IT?"

And there... in her cart was IT!  The gift that saved Christmas and TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY! No, not a Power Wheel; but something I wasn't even thinking about getting until that very moment when I couldn't let the sale go! A Samsung digital video camera for $150!  I was hooked!!! After doing the cabbage patch and the running man, I put the camera in my cart and proceeded to shop ecstatically for things I didn't need!  Towels for $1.50? CHECK! A mini chopper for $2? DOUBLE CHECK!  A big wheel that would be that same Black Friday price through the whole season? TRIPLE CHECK, SNITCHES!!!!! I was skipping around the store with a delirious "I just saved $150 by shopping on Black Friday" look on my face! In general, I felt GRANDTASTIC about my purchases and swore that next year, I would have a plan, a map, walkie talkies, and tents like some of the other fanatics out there... Double fist pump to the chest for my new peeps!

However, when 2010 Tuck and Roll Friday came around, I had no such luck.  I was in Tennessee. The day produced one of those annoyingly cold misty rains.  And people were parked 3 miles back from Walmart at 8 PM; hitching rides to the front door.   I was about 17.5 months pregnant and the thought of Susan Soccer Mom elbowing me for the last $5 game of Cooties as I waddled through the store about to bite someone was not appealing. Something about pregnancy brings you to your better senses... unless you are considering pickles and ice cream. In which case, my whole point would be ruined.

Instead, last year, was the dawn of a new brand of crazy. I had to bind Mr. WAtoMG's fingers together and remove the mouse from his computer as he was clicking to glory on Cyber Monday- the holiday that happens if you didn't remorse for previous sins during HOLY ISH!!! SATURDAY and the big boxes way to relieve you of your 401 (k).

But this year will be different!  This year will be it! My year to buy all of Christmas in one day.  I've already been looking at the circulars.  I have my son's walkie talkies. I've been training for marathons and taking yoga! I have power bars, a cooler of water, canned goods, sleeping bags and a portable DVD player. Thanksgiving dinner is already purchased courtesy of Marie Calendar TV dinners...

And my tuck and roll is vicious... Operation Occupy Walmart is in full effin' effect!

Oh yes, people! Marabou slippers will be running like Wilma Rudolph at a store near you! Pearls and pin-curls! Arms flailing! Frenzy to the fullest!

Because what would please the big banks, politicians and the Occupy Movement more than if all of America creates a holiday to go into the RED making sure big corporate stores get into the BLACK?

The power of suggestion over the sheeple...

The moral of the story: be careful out there both physically and financially. Make a list.  Research your purchases and get the things you are certain about. Don't be mean to the sales people... they are frightened from the madness and really just want to be home with their families while you are participating in the crazy. And remember: the spirit of the holidays and giving is not about how much money you saved by switching to Geico; but about time with family and the memories that are created.

Making a mental note and preaching to the choir. Doing lunges... and listening to "The Final Countdown"

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Photo Credit- MSNBC