There is a Place For Us...

A picture of the back splash I created in our condo. It's GAW-JUSSS... from afar...

I think in another life, I must have been an interior designer... or maybe I just had more decorative use for the straw in my hut than the next chick...  But either way, when it comes to DIY and home decor, I am like a 3 year old: I think I can do EVERYTHING by myself.

This obsession with DIY has been going on for a long time.  As a youngster, used to look at those old JC Penny catalogs, you know- the ones that used to double as booster seats in the kitchen, and relish over the items I would buy for my doll house once my father finally popped it out of the press board and put it together. However, upon further recollection of this memory, I realize this was something that never happened as it was in a garage sale during my teen years... looking all lonely... still in the box. Dying for miniature furniture...

Sorry... I lost myself in consulting my inner child... where was I?

Oh yes, DIY.   I look at all these blogs around the internet and everything looks so beautiful and easy to create. The posts promise that I, too, can go to my local Goodwill, buy something for $2, spray paint it and make it look like a million bucks; preferably in one afternoon and while wearing my marabou slippers and baking a pie.

But behind the scenes, these chicks are doing the most!  Working with miter saws! Painting with power sprayers! Shooting off nail guns! Cutting to exact measurements! Pouring chemicals! All types of shenanigans that would take your fingers off- not to mention, ruin a good mani!

So here's the thing with my DIY'ing: I need shortcuts!  I am a sucker for short cuts! Where's the Gorilla Glue? The duct tape? Coloring it in with a marker??? The love of measurements that are "good enough for now"???

Child, you can't tell me that Gorilla Glue can't build a house! I've once built a custom shoji screen using Gorilla Glue, florescent light screens and some wood molding that was cut "good enough"  from the hardware store.  Never mind the fact that I had to check on it everyday to see if it was still standing! The fact was, it was done- and so was I!  A DIY project off my list!

But I still NEED to DIY something.  Anything! Maybe my kitchen can use a double side taped floor?  And then I saw it: the place for people like me.  It was on Censtational Girl's website and it's taking place June of 2012.  The Haven Conference. Where my favorite DIY bloggers will give me endless reasons to spend my 401k in Hobby Lobby and Home Depot so I can make beautiful new doo-dad thingies!  It's going to be GRANDTASTIC!!!!! And it's happening right in my backyard so no excuses!

The conference promises to show me how to create all sorts of goodies.  And get this: YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO USE POWER TOOLS! Uhhh-huh!!!! Like the stuff that is more powerful than my $10 drill- although that little sucka gets the job done...  Just look behind my TV for proof!  Wall looks like Swiss cheese back there. Don't tell anyone, mmmk?

With any hopes, I'll be able to show off my new kitchen done ALL BY MYSELF.... and an electrician.  Because there are somethings I'll NEVER attempt!

Until that time, crooked is the new straight. Pass it on...

The Curios Case of Ugly Shoes

...

...

Somethings just leave me speechless.

And as you can tell from my long winded posts, that's not exactly easy.

I used to be a shoe fiend.  But it seems that most shoe companies have come down with a case of the uglies.  Are people depressed because of the recession? What is going on?! 

I know, I know, "shoes are a form of self expression!". But what I really want to know is: "What in the ham sammich is being said?!?!?!"

Take, for instance, these "WHAT IN THE CRIMINAL HELL IS THAT?!?!?" pair,
shall we?:

Ummm. ..... ah.... I'm almost afraid of these shoes.  Who in the bestiality hell thought this was a good idea? But you know, the hoof is not the worst part.  The heel and the zipper. And fur.  You've gotta think that the animal that died for this cause must be turning over in its grave. How sad that someone would kill them to contribute to this fugliness.

You would have to huff 3-4 cans of Pledge to wear these hoof shoes.
Don't. For your own good.
On either account. 

And what about these:

See, there's a time when your True Blood/Twilight obsession is okay.  And then there is this. In which case, if you are even in consideration of buying, would warrant you back away from the computer and seek help.  Immediately.  Like... fuuuureal.  I do it because I love you.  

*Sigh*

Facebook.  Please stop allowing your "friends" to tag you in pictures of this craziness.  Nike heels: because you never know when a game of pick up basketball will happen while you are in line for the club.  I mean, it happens.  At least you're prepared if the ish goes down and you have to run out.  Go get 'em Girl Scout!

Am I the exception to the rule that your toes get coldest first? Because I've seen a lot of this:

WTH?!?!? W....T.....H?!?!

It's like stirrup pants married some Barney sandals only to be cut off at the shin.  What in the sweaty ankle kind of tomfoolery is this?? Reverse Socks? I just can't.

LORD OF THE DANCE!

Is this like the lighter side of Goth or something? I mean, did you feel a little whimsy today and decide that floral was the new black? The buckles would suggest that it took a little while to strap these things up; which gives me the strong inclination that you had plenty of time to witness this foolishness as it was happening.
The truth? You want the truth?!?!? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!  ... And neither can I.  Fugliness is a SIN!  A SIN and a SHAME!

...And then you had the nerve to put on some socks... Black socks at that....

I have to go.  My eyes will need all the beauty sleep they can get to recover from this nonsense.

Photo credits have not been given to protect the innocent and keep them out of my comment box talking about the "prettiness" of their shoes. Bye, child!

Hasta La Vista, BABY!!!!

Friends.

Let's bow our head in a moment of silence for our resident who was in the roof.

A lonely little bat who lost his way in the wilderness and found himself in the fabulousness of my roof.  Not that I can blame him... we saw our house and decided that we needed to move in IMMEDIATELY, too.  He was a bat with great taste; but no real sensibility-  since it's as hot as a sauna on a cast iron skillet in the attic.

*Sigh*

We'd like to thank the beast catcher lady and her CSI head flashlight thingy for this discovery.

I would say I'm going to miss the little fella; but I won't.  Just keepin' it real...


NEXT!

Justin Bieber Has a New Kind of Funk



Photo Credit: Jamie McCarthy, Getty Images

The thing about having a new baby is that you don't get out the house much.  So, on a recent trip to my local mall, I was surprised to find little Justin Beiber cut outs EVERY FRIGGIN' WHERE! I wondered if there was a new concert that was coming to town.  Maybe he was going to be at the mall doing some sort of promo...

And then I saw it.  Hanging above my head.  A new women's girl's fragrance by Justin Bieber called "Someday". Someday?  As in "Someday, I'll be crazy enough to buy that." or maybe "Someday, that will be considered cool..."

Just when I started believing in my marketing peeps worldwide, they go and pull this jack move.  Don't get me wrong.  Good for Bieber that he's leaning on the 7 minutes he has left on his fame clock and getting every dime he can; but a $50 fragrance?  In major department stores? For girls? From a pubescent boy?  mmmmmk.

Oh the stench headache his concerts must have become... little trees everywhere are cringing just thinking about it.

Sadly enough, there aren't many people out there lately that have risen to fame like Bieber, so I guess someone had to do it. However, just in case the people at  Coty get any ideas, here is my short list of celebrities we don't want to smell like:

NICKI MINAJ PRESENTS: BOOTY

This cologne just smells like ass.  Hot pink, rainbow wig wearing, ass.  And you will, too, once you wear it.

NANCY GRACE PRESENTS: SWEET JUSTICE

This cologne has tender notes in the beginning. Everything about it is 100% right.  No one could ever tell you that the facts of this funk just don't add up.  And then, all of a sudden, towards the end of the day it just turns sour.  Everything about it is all wrong.  You'll have to get an investigative team around you to find out what smells like armpits; only to find out it's the Nancy Grace scowl of funk upon you.

SNOOKI PRESENTS CONFUSION

Photo Credit: TMZ, WENN

This mix of pickle juice, steroids and coconut oil will make you believe you are a lone lost cast member of the Jersey Shore.  However, a quick check of your bank account will confirm that your shenanigans go unpaid. Therefore, leave the druken "skirt with thong cartwheels in public" to the professionals. That move will get you arrested in real life.

JWOWW PRESENTS: SILICONE  

Photo Credit: MTV

This slippery concoction smells like cigarettes and a bar fight.  Good news is that it will attract a nice juicehead with limited funds and a bad attitude.  Bad news is that your extensions will go up in flames after one spray.  Choose your battles wisely.

KE$HA PRESENTS: DIRTY GIRL 



Photo Credit: WENN

 This is a scent you wear to the gym as man repellent.  It has an earthy scent like mold and fertilizer... if you leave it on too long, you may grow something foreign or turn into a zombie warrior. Whichever comes first... 


Enough to singe the hairs out your nose...



THE FOURTH OF JULY NEWS BROADCAST

Good evening and welcome to the Spadazzle News Network.  Covering the glittery shenanigans happening in your town on a daily basis.  Topping our news this fourth of July weekend is the extreme weather.  We are expecting hater-ific  thunderstorms.

Our top reporter, Meghan Mcglover is out at storm central Spadazzle.  Let's check-in with her in the midst of the storm...

Take it away Meghan!

KABOOM!