Celebrity Benefit and Telethon

People.

.....blank stare.....

Let's all donate to the Little Wayne No Longer Needs To Shop at 5-7-9 Fund

A pair of women's leopard jeggings is a terrible thing to waste.

Phone lines are open.

The BMA's: Beyonce Maternity Announcement Ceremony

Sunday night's VMA's, in my opinion, was a smorgasbord of glitz, glamour, tomfoolery and shenanigans! I originally decided that since I was coming down from a birthday celebration high, I wasn't going to hold my usual Facebook commentary and just be a silent witness...

Then, while rocking my son to sleep, I saw this on my phone:

Photo:Wire Image

Wait, Whaaaaaa? Beyonce???? Pregnant??? 

I mean, my poor little bean barely got to shut his eyes before I had him down in the crib and came back to the grid to partake in the entire show. I had to get to the bottom of this! I mean, I was having a full on Stan attack moment.

This was, quite possibly, the most important television announcement since Obama won the 2008 election!  Baby Carter is going to be the most watched celebrity in Hollywood- maybe even more so than the child's parents.

I mean, I heard the baby was already signed to a 10 year record deal with Live Nation! IMG is representing the baby in the model contract negotiations with House of Dereon, Rocawear and Loreal. Coty is creating a fragrance! Maybach is currently creating a minivan... if you're interested and have an extra milli laying around under a couch somewhere... Beyonce is currently recording the diamond selling children's albums 12345 and ABC Day; and Jay-Z just found his 100th problem: getting into an upper crust New York prep school.

If that's not enough, Mama Tina has a new line of glittery baby leotards coming to a Walmart near you!

All in all- this baby is bigger than your life. It already holds the new world record for having the most tweets per second on twitter...

But church of WAtoMG, I don't want you to concentrate on baby Carter (aka GooGoo Gaga Knowles Carter) and how our lives will be consumed with the baby until early adulthood/sainthood/knightship.  No, instead, I want you to continue on with life as normal. The new normal...

Try not to concentrate on Entertainment Tonight and all of the other nightly "news" magazines that will hold your attention for a half hour to talk to the person at the end of the show who briefly passed Beyonce after a Doctor's appointment; and may or may have not heard what was said. Close your ears as these shows hire Dr. Drew to talk about how "he's not Beyonce's doctor; but if he was, he can tell you how she feels right now".  I want you remain steadfast and not spend hours of your work day... wasting time... trying to figure out what color the baby's room is going to be on the yacht they are taking to the south of France to buy some brie.  And MOST OF ALL don't expect to be invited to the baby shower AND PLEASE refrain from throwing your own...

Church, I know this will come as an immediate shock, but,  life will go on.  The shift of energy may be causing these Quakiccanados all up and down the East Coast; but I promise: things will return to the new normal.  

Your bills will still come. The gas will still be high. 

The only thing that will be different is the amount of leotards and shiny tights available at Walmart.

And the Maybach minivan... which you can't afford anyway.

And if you really... I mean REALLY just CANNOT for any other reason concentrate on anything else than the birth GooGoo Gaga Knowles Carter and the world tour that is sure to follow, then ask yourself this one, very simple question:

What the hell is that on Katy Perry's head????

Photo: Getty Images

Well, I guess if you're going to do something, do it big.  I'm happy for them.  

The moment your life changed just in case you missed it

The Fall of August

Does anyone, besides me, remember when August used to be a summer month?

Remember when August 1st rolled around you weren't even really thinking about school; and that you actually had 4 more weeks before school started?

Now, all of a sudden, August 1st rolls around and the ice cream trucks get kicked to the curb by school buses! The smell of coconut suntan lotion is swapped for the stench of school lunch; and swimsuits are snatched off of people everywhere in favor of boring school/work clothes. THE NERVE!

I was happily enjoying my three week summer sabbatical with my four year old son and nephew; and my niece who is ten.   We spent days off the computer lounging by our neighborhood pool; catching a movie; going bowling or traveling to the beach. The four of us... frolicking and running amok. Then summer was abruptly and indefinitely suspended by the call of school for my niece.  This was bad enough until my son's preschool/daycare called and said that he was expected back on August 8. Really? Expected?

Will I go to time out for this parenting infraction?

What happened and who approved the decision to cut summer short?  Was I Were the children just having too much fun?

I'm an August baby.  Meaning, I expect all 3 of my followers to write and find out what I want for my birthday I love summer and especially August. Unlike winter, summer's long, hot, steamy days have plenty of options like taking a dip in the pool, finding somewhere to get ice cream and keeping your mind out of the gutter (because I know some of you went there after reading long, hot and steamy in one sentence).  Why are we cutting the one time of year when everything is alive, things feel good and the day never lets you down? Why are we in such a rush to make it fall?  This is a tragedy! Someone needs to call the Mayor of Whoville and arrest the Grinch who stole summer!!!!  

Until I get to the bottom of this, we need to think fast and find a finger to point the blame!  And who is the finger pointed at for this debauchery and tomfoolery? Hallmark.  Mmmmhmmm... Hallmark! ...As in the card company...

YES! Children of America! Hallmark is the evil reason that you are in school early and summer is fleeing by the wayside.  Hallmark is the hater of August.  WHY? Because until I make this blog superdy dooperty famous, and become the first person to win the Presidency of the US for the Shenanigan Party; there are and will be no other holidays in August (until my birthday becomes one). So in an evil ploy to sell more cards, Hallmark has cut summer short by rushing Labor Day. Thus getting our minds to think "end of summer" right after the Fourth of July.

But you think the execs care about crushing the inner spirit of summer??? NO! THEY DON'T!  They need to make revenue and the only thing to celebrate in August is summer... so until we create a holiday, the theme is: August BE DAMNED!!!

WE CAN NOT LET THEM WIN!  WE MUST TAKE BACK SUMMER!

Follow this blog... it will save summer.

I do it for you.