Signs the Economy is Worse Than Originally Predicted

Since early 2010,  we watched as financial guru after financial guru claimed that the recession was officially over.  That we should take to the streets to rejoice in our good fortune!  Spend money uncontrollably like we did before!  "Why wait? Spend now!" they all convinced us.

But unfortunately, due to our overwhelming addiction to everything social media, there are definite signs that we are being lied to, bamboozled and hoodwinked!  People everywhere know the truth.  All signs point to it being worse than we ever thought!  EPIC LEVELS!  Panic is widespread as people try to escape. How do I know?  Well take a look:

PLANKING:  

It takes a special kind of stupid to come up with a game where you lay down, face down, with your hands at your side and have someone take a picture of you.  I mean, what kind of bored do you have to be?  I ran into some high school girls at the mall doing this and thought, "well...stupid is to be expected in high school"...

But one quick trend glance at twitter proves that we, the adults, are doing it in DROVES!  People in the park: PLANKING!  People at the store: PLANKING!  People at work: PLANKING!  It only means one thing: there is nothing to damn do! And what do people do when they have nothing to do? Go to sleep!  So it only makes perfect and total sense that one would take to planking as a way to combine their total boredom and nap time to new and phenomenal heights.  

Until we all return to work, planking will remain a widespread problem.  I mean, think of all the things you can procrastinate on while planking...which will make your life seem totally more interesting as you're running around later trying to get everything done!  GENIUS!

GO THE F*%K TO SLEEP: THE BOOK FOR ADULTS

I'm not going to lie, I thought this book was hilarious when I first heard it.  I mean, Samuel L. Jackson reading it immediately made me think of Pulp Fiction and how I sometimes wish my children would learn to love the joy of sleep...

But then, I had to think about this book again.  Why are we so angry? I'll tell you why!  It's the rap music.  We are all gangstas!!!! Because we don't have the money to give a ...  so we don't!  And the feeling that we have lost everything has suburban moms pouring out a little liquor at the loss of Gymboree memberships due to financial cut backs (I mean, have you ever been home with a 4 year old all day hyped up off sugar? Surprised they aren't drinking that liquor).  So instead of jumping off the deep end, we will stroke our inner child's ego by creating a children's book especially made for adults. That way, we can read it quickly and get back to planking.  Because it's all about priorities people.

16 AND PREGNANT

MTV claims that they have totally fixed the teen mom problem with this show; yet they keep coming up with a new cast.  Season after season, we watch these teens prance around at the beginning of their pregnancy with their boyfriend they are going to spend forever with.  And  by the end the show, they are lonely, eating bon bons and talking about how much their life sucks!!!

Don't worry, if you missed it, because they will recap the whole season and then have Dr. Drew come out to diagnose their life's degree of suck-iness; hopefully breaking them down into tears in the process.  On another note, has anyone besides me counted just how many times this educated man says "Baby Daddy"???

But the reality of 16 and Pregnant is: this show kicked Sweet 16 to the curb!  Whaaaa? Why?  Because with the market crashing day after day, these millionaire dads didn't have money to spend on darling's first Helicopter anymore and spoiled children everywhere took to therapy thus dramatically reducing the supply of parties.  On top of that, Wall Street Tycoons are now working at the McDonald's they once owned!  Which only led to more teens not being able to get a job there.  And teen planking. On top of each other. It's all a vicious cycle, sheeple, spawned by MTV and banks across America to dumb down the severity of this crisis!

HGTV: HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL

Nothing says: "GET OUT WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME!!!!" like House Hunter's International.  I mean, every night, every day, every minute of everyday!  If we aren't Designing to Sell, we are staging our Unsellables! Mike Holmes is telling you your house was made out of straw!  It will fall apart at any second! We have to move overseas!  Where it is SAFE.  We can live off the $3 we have left in our 401k's and still have a beach front residence in the slums.  Our children can grow amoungst the natives and share our stories of fortune on the mainland.  We'll shuck clams and remember the days that HGTV programming included design shows that would have told us how to better decorate our shanties and what, exactly, you are to do with a dirt floor.  

I'll give you a design tip: mosquito netting is the new black in tropic countries.  Get it from Ikea now before it's too late... because obviously, HGTV is trying to key us in to something we don't know...

CELEBRITIES SHOWING OFF THEIR JUNK

We've reached an all time low.  There used to be a time when people would at least have the dignity to sit on the corner with a cardboard sign stating that they would work for food and jingling their coins.  But now?  Oh no... celebrities just take pictures of their junk and post it for all the free loving world.  Dirty bathroom and all. Draws on the floor, toothpaste on the mirror, trying to look sexy. Why? Because they are out of work and bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.  And bored people do stupid things.  Like take pictures of their junk.

It didn't reach epic proportions until people in Congress started doing it.  And I'm not even talking about Wiener- because that's sort of a cool little branding thing he could have had going on... but I'm talking about the rest of the idiots out there who want to show off their stupid opinions, like getting rid of the EPA, via social media. And why are your favorite politicians taking to the airwaves with their unedited tweets and statuses even though they have a staff that can do this for them?  BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!!  And if they have nothing to do, then obviously, either will we.  

MAN DOWN! 

A Night at the Circus: An Encore Performance

Grab your marabous and clutch the pearls: there is a mouse in the house!

So, the noise we heard the other night came back for an encore performance...  However, instead of just making noise around the fireplace, it decided to drop in for a visit on top of the fireplace box.

Now, I never knew I could sing like Mariah Carey; but apparently this warranted an octave that only this thing could hear!  I mean, seriously.  It was dancing around on top of the fireplace box like friggin' Savion Glover. ALL. NIGHT.LONG.  Tickity, tick, tick, tick!  I was TERRIFIED.  I stayed up the whole night to once again make sure that it didn't come in; because if it did and I was asleep, the thought of me not being able to run off screaming like a crazed lunatic made me... well... just a regular lunatic.

 Hubs, once again, was asleep. Aside from the minimum of 50 times that I woke him up for a status report.

IMMEDIATELY that night, I called a road kill company and scheduled an appointment for the next morning. I was not going to handle this without reinforcements!  And those reinforcements came at a price: $200 just to take a look around and make sure that I didn't need to be committed.  I began to think this could be a good career choice for me; pending that I could get over my white knuckle, heart attack fear...

...perhaps, I could assess the situation from the curb??? No???

I digress...

So, to my surprise, a woman came to my door to service the problem!  I immediately thought of the posters from the 1950's with the women mechanics and how different this was from the burly man with plumber's crack, two teeth, and hair that looked like a few of the rat's nests he collected along the way I'd imagined would come.  I kinda felt like a wuss... for about .03 seconds.

She was going to take on the BEAST!  Kill it with her bare hands and that little flashlight thingy on top of her head! I was going to insert an evil laugh at it as she carted it away!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!

She came out of the attic and determined that it might be a flying squirrel... or a mouse.... or rats... or Dr. Damn Seuss... and proceeded to set the traps.  She added up a total assessment to fix the house (another $400) and handed me an invoice. Said she would be back on Friday.

... Ummm, come again?!?!?  No, really, you can stay in the guest room... better yet, in our bedroom until you can catch it!  REALLY! I cook and EVERYTHING! Feel how plush the bed is!

...no go... :-(

So, until Fivel moves out via the hearse express, I have decided to have an in house staycation in the guest room (aka- hubs is not paying for the St. Regis, Ritz... not even the Super 8 so get in where you fit in, sistah!).  Funny thing is that it actually does feel like I'm sleeping at a hotel... minus the spa, and housekeeping... Not only that, I'm closer to the children's rooms; which is nice- until they wake up at zero o'clock.

Pray for me.

Still in Discovery

Blogosphere.  Seems that everyday I find something that appeals to me. Like having a magazine that you can read from cover to cover.

It's become apparent to me that in order to make this thing work, I'm going to have to stick to the facts.  And only the facts.  So, I have to pick a subject and stick to it.

I know from years as a marketing professional that you all like pictures.  Because no one really reads the internet.  They are in it for the digital eye candy.  So, I'll have to look for a new camera to document the foolishness of the day.  Which is fine by me because it forces me to get out of the house!

So, here I go! Into the world... out to find a new camera.

Catch me if you can!

Marketing Minute: Is Your Answering Service Ruining Your Brand?

CEO's, Company Presidents, Company Collection Agencies, Managers of Billing Departments:

Do me and yourselves a favor-  take 2-3 hours out of your day, call your customer service line and take an intimate tour of your automated system.  Because clearly, with the amount of shenanigans going on by a vast majority of these systems, you can't be aware of the problems your customers encounter...

Between the computers that answer and send you through a water board interrogation of your account that never seems to make it to the customer service rep; to listening to the 3 hours worth of shnazzy jazzy music promising a non-english speaking "someone" will get to you "shortly" (eventually would be more accurate); visions of sugarplums dance in my head thinking about the MILLIONS of dollars you must be losing to save MAYBE a couple hundred thousand in salaries... based on hiring maybe 10 more people???

I bet the last part of that ramble on statement got your attention...

Yes, you and your company are losing MILLIONS of dollars due to your lack of customer service...

How?

1. Because Susie told John who told Amanda who told her second cousin twice removed not to go with your company because of a review they read on the internet based on what happened during a recent call to your company (which will live on FOREVER!  Some of you should skip golfing and take the afternoon reading your consumer reviews)
2. Because no one... and I do mean NO ONE prefers to call into a computer automated system to have a complex question answered.  
3. Because your customer service reps are part of a vicious cycle set forth by your automated computer system.  What's the cycle you ask? Well it goes like this: you spend money hiring and training a great CS rep; customer calls automated system and gets stuck in water board interrogation then left on hold for all eternity; customer gets pissed; CS rep answers phone and gets flamed by customer; CS rep quits due to an "abusive job"...

Now, I know some recent MIT grad, who you paid a boatload in consulting fees for an analysis regarding  moving customer service support to Mars, made PERFECT sense at the time.  However, the aftermath is an internet full of customers who HATE your company because they can't get a simple yes/no/kiss my ass answer from you as to the status of their account. Instead, your customers are talking to each other via the internet... and avoiding you like the black plague!!! Not to mention, your bad reviews are hitting your branded keywords and coming up with every Google search on your company...  

In working and training branded customer service reps for luxury products,  I'll share with you what luxury products know: that you can put a logo on a plain piece of brown plastic, make it into a bag, and charge $5000 for it because of the EXPERIENCE.  Nothing more, nothing less.  The bag will probably fall apart in a couple of years; but who cares?!?! Said company already paid for the bag 5000 times over.  So they'll give you a new one!  But the customer brags on and on about their $5000 bag because when they called, the company promptly sent them a new one.  Even answered the phone on the first ring!!!!

But your company... on no.  We don't get that.  What we get is the automated system.  The virtual middle finger of customer service.  

Look, I'm sure most of us would pay another $2 in our invoice to be able to talk to a live person, thus paying the minimum wage salary to have someone coherent and fluent enough in English to answer a simple yes or no question on an account status.  If you would, we would love you forever... giving you that seemingly illusive thing you crave: brand loyalty (imagine that). 

Until then, see if your grandma needs a job answering phones.  Someone. Anyone. 

GO AWAY!!!!

Note to self: Marabou slippers are not made for running...

Some people attract men. Some attract money. It's come to my attention that I, indeed, attract shenanigans. And not of the regular variety... no, I attract the kind that inspire sitcoms. Whole series in their honor.

So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that as I was about to settle into my nice comfy bed, I should hear something in the fireplace in my room. The beautiful, romantic fireplace that inspired our house purchase. The one that is oh... about 2 feet or so away from my bed. Staring at me like a black hole of terror while the beast is trying to scratch it's way into my house... WTH people??? W.T.H...

Certain things are becoming abundantly clear to me. Like why I have two boys. My first born told me earlier tonight that he was going to turn into the Hulk to smash the thunderstorm. My bay-bay is too young to say what he thinks; but I know he's got the eye of the tiger- I see it already. On the other hand, my dear hubs, who's given me the nick name "Over Reaction Jackson" is asleep. Why? Because he's checked the perimeter and deems there is no imminent threat to life and limb. *side-eye- I know you just love me for the insurance!

Nevertheless, even with my household filled with testosterone, I will be up all night. Making sure that nothing is there. So I can take off running and screaming like a banshi just in case there is. Because clearly, I will be of no help in this situation...

Could you imagine if we had two girls? The three of us throwing up our glitter in fear??? Running with arms flailing into the night? Tripping over our dear marabous? Because one of us saw a bug??? Yesterday... that is now dead?

Thank God that He knows what's best for us...

Well, I hope you all get a good night's rest. In the meantime, I've turned the TV on and it's loud. I'll be praying for refuge. My nightlight is on so I can see the enemy before it sees me. My dad always told me that these things are more afraid of humans than we are of them. I believe that to be poppycock and a lie, counselor!!! Because with the way they Deebo and Gangsta their way around me, I am clearly the punk in this situation.

Send reinforcements.

B4: Building a Business with Baby on Booby

Really computer lady? Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?

...And wipe that simple ass grin off your face!!!

Women of the world: we have to do it all, don't we?!?! If it wasn't for that chick Eve and her apple! Good grief!

So, I'm in the process of redeveloping my marketing company, Melanie Gayles Marketing. Something... in the VERY back of my mind... I mean- a weeeee corner in the very dark cob webby back, told me it would be a good idea to try this while I am still breastfeeding my newborn son. Have you ever tried to type on a laptop while a baby's head is in the way? If not, may I take the pleasure of suggesting you don't anytime soon.

Breastfeeding is like a sport for champions. And I... well, I am like in the remedial class of this championship tourney... with the people who were picked last for dodge ball. I mean, I've seen moms who whip out their boob like it's a weapon. I, on the other hand, have problems even finding the stupid bra clip. Seriously. I'm beginning to wonder if this is a hand/eye coordination thing I need to get checked out...

So, suffice to say,because I am slow on the draw, my son and I are at this thing all day. And I don't say that as a metaphor for like 10 minutes. I mean, all day. And all night. And the middle of the night. And during the blackout, "ain't nothin' open but hospitals and legs" hours of the morning. Get it?

When they said bonding experience, I was thinking emotional... not crazy glue.

But there are times, when he goes to sleep- like now- and I can commence with my worldwide domination (muwahahahaha). So far, I've built my website, started this blog, come up with some events to spread my shenanigans with the world, found a semi-investor (we'll get to that later). Not bad for doing it all while walking around with my B4 bonding kit attached to me!

I guess we can have it all. Sort of...

Discovering Where I Should Have Been All Along

Hello world. It's me. Melanie. And I am a serial blogger.

I started blogging about two years ago while (gasp) at work as a way to vent. I didn't want that blog associated with me, so I hid it away. From everyone. Even myself. Upon returning to work from my maternity leave- all blissfully aglow from having a baby, I forgot the name of the blog and the e-mail address that I was using to write it. 'Tis Life.

My second blog was about my son. It was supposed to be an intimate account of our family. I posted 4 times. How intimate.

The third blog I started to write was going to be all about my life being unemployed. I REALLY thought I struck gold with this one! You see, the unemployment office makes you go to these classes where they teach you how to be... unemployed! You learn a bunch of new skills like how to make business cards on vista print... how to look for a job on the computer... how to not get let go again- because let's face it- they really think it's your fault. I left these classes feeling inspired to start a NEW blog about being... unemployed! Inspired Unemployment was the name. It actually got one post. But I was too busy being unemployed to write a blog because worrying about being unemployed pretty much wiped the inspiration out of me; AND who wants to thrift shop with no money???

So, where did I go? To Facebook. Why? Because Facebook is where I could keep all my peeps informed about my crazy ass life. So. There I was on facebook. Posting my comments on important issues like:

• The state of Eddie Long's toupee...
• Waiting for the appropriate hour to tuck a roll during the failed predicted Rapture...
• Lacefront wig glue and why it shouldn't be balled up on your forehead like that...

And someone suggested I SHOULD have a blog. Because all you non-friends were missing out on my foolishness.

I struggled for weeks about what I should name this blog. I mean weeks! I felt like I was Bubba Gump going over a shrimp list... it was serious people.

When finally I figured I should name it what my facebook page is: The World According to Melanie Gayles.

What will you find here? A whole bunch of to-do about nothing!!! And maybe a laugh. But mostly, it will be an experiment into the complexity of a person. And a whole lot of to-do... about nothing.

So enjoy my crazy little world. Act One: True Story. Starring Me.