Signs the Economy is Worse Than Originally Predicted

Since early 2010,  we watched as financial guru after financial guru claimed that the recession was officially over.  That we should take to the streets to rejoice in our good fortune!  Spend money uncontrollably like we did before!  "Why wait? Spend now!" they all convinced us.

But unfortunately, due to our overwhelming addiction to everything social media, there are definite signs that we are being lied to, bamboozled and hoodwinked!  People everywhere know the truth.  All signs point to it being worse than we ever thought!  EPIC LEVELS!  Panic is widespread as people try to escape. How do I know?  Well take a look:

PLANKING:  

It takes a special kind of stupid to come up with a game where you lay down, face down, with your hands at your side and have someone take a picture of you.  I mean, what kind of bored do you have to be?  I ran into some high school girls at the mall doing this and thought, "well...stupid is to be expected in high school"...

But one quick trend glance at twitter proves that we, the adults, are doing it in DROVES!  People in the park: PLANKING!  People at the store: PLANKING!  People at work: PLANKING!  It only means one thing: there is nothing to damn do! And what do people do when they have nothing to do? Go to sleep!  So it only makes perfect and total sense that one would take to planking as a way to combine their total boredom and nap time to new and phenomenal heights.  

Until we all return to work, planking will remain a widespread problem.  I mean, think of all the things you can procrastinate on while planking...which will make your life seem totally more interesting as you're running around later trying to get everything done!  GENIUS!

GO THE F*%K TO SLEEP: THE BOOK FOR ADULTS

I'm not going to lie, I thought this book was hilarious when I first heard it.  I mean, Samuel L. Jackson reading it immediately made me think of Pulp Fiction and how I sometimes wish my children would learn to love the joy of sleep...

But then, I had to think about this book again.  Why are we so angry? I'll tell you why!  It's the rap music.  We are all gangstas!!!! Because we don't have the money to give a ...  so we don't!  And the feeling that we have lost everything has suburban moms pouring out a little liquor at the loss of Gymboree memberships due to financial cut backs (I mean, have you ever been home with a 4 year old all day hyped up off sugar? Surprised they aren't drinking that liquor).  So instead of jumping off the deep end, we will stroke our inner child's ego by creating a children's book especially made for adults. That way, we can read it quickly and get back to planking.  Because it's all about priorities people.

16 AND PREGNANT

MTV claims that they have totally fixed the teen mom problem with this show; yet they keep coming up with a new cast.  Season after season, we watch these teens prance around at the beginning of their pregnancy with their boyfriend they are going to spend forever with.  And  by the end the show, they are lonely, eating bon bons and talking about how much their life sucks!!!

Don't worry, if you missed it, because they will recap the whole season and then have Dr. Drew come out to diagnose their life's degree of suck-iness; hopefully breaking them down into tears in the process.  On another note, has anyone besides me counted just how many times this educated man says "Baby Daddy"???

But the reality of 16 and Pregnant is: this show kicked Sweet 16 to the curb!  Whaaaa? Why?  Because with the market crashing day after day, these millionaire dads didn't have money to spend on darling's first Helicopter anymore and spoiled children everywhere took to therapy thus dramatically reducing the supply of parties.  On top of that, Wall Street Tycoons are now working at the McDonald's they once owned!  Which only led to more teens not being able to get a job there.  And teen planking. On top of each other. It's all a vicious cycle, sheeple, spawned by MTV and banks across America to dumb down the severity of this crisis!

HGTV: HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL

Nothing says: "GET OUT WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME!!!!" like House Hunter's International.  I mean, every night, every day, every minute of everyday!  If we aren't Designing to Sell, we are staging our Unsellables! Mike Holmes is telling you your house was made out of straw!  It will fall apart at any second! We have to move overseas!  Where it is SAFE.  We can live off the $3 we have left in our 401k's and still have a beach front residence in the slums.  Our children can grow amoungst the natives and share our stories of fortune on the mainland.  We'll shuck clams and remember the days that HGTV programming included design shows that would have told us how to better decorate our shanties and what, exactly, you are to do with a dirt floor.  

I'll give you a design tip: mosquito netting is the new black in tropic countries.  Get it from Ikea now before it's too late... because obviously, HGTV is trying to key us in to something we don't know...

CELEBRITIES SHOWING OFF THEIR JUNK

We've reached an all time low.  There used to be a time when people would at least have the dignity to sit on the corner with a cardboard sign stating that they would work for food and jingling their coins.  But now?  Oh no... celebrities just take pictures of their junk and post it for all the free loving world.  Dirty bathroom and all. Draws on the floor, toothpaste on the mirror, trying to look sexy. Why? Because they are out of work and bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.  And bored people do stupid things.  Like take pictures of their junk.

It didn't reach epic proportions until people in Congress started doing it.  And I'm not even talking about Wiener- because that's sort of a cool little branding thing he could have had going on... but I'm talking about the rest of the idiots out there who want to show off their stupid opinions, like getting rid of the EPA, via social media. And why are your favorite politicians taking to the airwaves with their unedited tweets and statuses even though they have a staff that can do this for them?  BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!!  And if they have nothing to do, then obviously, either will we.  

MAN DOWN!