GO AWAY!!!!

Note to self: Marabou slippers are not made for running...

Some people attract men. Some attract money. It's come to my attention that I, indeed, attract shenanigans. And not of the regular variety... no, I attract the kind that inspire sitcoms. Whole series in their honor.

So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that as I was about to settle into my nice comfy bed, I should hear something in the fireplace in my room. The beautiful, romantic fireplace that inspired our house purchase. The one that is oh... about 2 feet or so away from my bed. Staring at me like a black hole of terror while the beast is trying to scratch it's way into my house... WTH people??? W.T.H...

Certain things are becoming abundantly clear to me. Like why I have two boys. My first born told me earlier tonight that he was going to turn into the Hulk to smash the thunderstorm. My bay-bay is too young to say what he thinks; but I know he's got the eye of the tiger- I see it already. On the other hand, my dear hubs, who's given me the nick name "Over Reaction Jackson" is asleep. Why? Because he's checked the perimeter and deems there is no imminent threat to life and limb. *side-eye- I know you just love me for the insurance!

Nevertheless, even with my household filled with testosterone, I will be up all night. Making sure that nothing is there. So I can take off running and screaming like a banshi just in case there is. Because clearly, I will be of no help in this situation...

Could you imagine if we had two girls? The three of us throwing up our glitter in fear??? Running with arms flailing into the night? Tripping over our dear marabous? Because one of us saw a bug??? Yesterday... that is now dead?

Thank God that He knows what's best for us...

Well, I hope you all get a good night's rest. In the meantime, I've turned the TV on and it's loud. I'll be praying for refuge. My nightlight is on so I can see the enemy before it sees me. My dad always told me that these things are more afraid of humans than we are of them. I believe that to be poppycock and a lie, counselor!!! Because with the way they Deebo and Gangsta their way around me, I am clearly the punk in this situation.

Send reinforcements.

Discovering Where I Should Have Been All Along

Hello world. It's me. Melanie. And I am a serial blogger.

I started blogging about two years ago while (gasp) at work as a way to vent. I didn't want that blog associated with me, so I hid it away. From everyone. Even myself. Upon returning to work from my maternity leave- all blissfully aglow from having a baby, I forgot the name of the blog and the e-mail address that I was using to write it. 'Tis Life.

My second blog was about my son. It was supposed to be an intimate account of our family. I posted 4 times. How intimate.

The third blog I started to write was going to be all about my life being unemployed. I REALLY thought I struck gold with this one! You see, the unemployment office makes you go to these classes where they teach you how to be... unemployed! You learn a bunch of new skills like how to make business cards on vista print... how to look for a job on the computer... how to not get let go again- because let's face it- they really think it's your fault. I left these classes feeling inspired to start a NEW blog about being... unemployed! Inspired Unemployment was the name. It actually got one post. But I was too busy being unemployed to write a blog because worrying about being unemployed pretty much wiped the inspiration out of me; AND who wants to thrift shop with no money???

So, where did I go? To Facebook. Why? Because Facebook is where I could keep all my peeps informed about my crazy ass life. So. There I was on facebook. Posting my comments on important issues like:

• The state of Eddie Long's toupee...
• Waiting for the appropriate hour to tuck a roll during the failed predicted Rapture...
• Lacefront wig glue and why it shouldn't be balled up on your forehead like that...

And someone suggested I SHOULD have a blog. Because all you non-friends were missing out on my foolishness.

I struggled for weeks about what I should name this blog. I mean weeks! I felt like I was Bubba Gump going over a shrimp list... it was serious people.

When finally I figured I should name it what my facebook page is: The World According to Melanie Gayles.

What will you find here? A whole bunch of to-do about nothing!!! And maybe a laugh. But mostly, it will be an experiment into the complexity of a person. And a whole lot of to-do... about nothing.

So enjoy my crazy little world. Act One: True Story. Starring Me.