We're Breaking Up

Expose: The Bad Habits of People on Craigslist

Hellllllllllllllllllooooooooo WATMG peeps!
How have ya' been? I've missed you all so dearly.  Grab some tea... kick off your marabous... Sit a spell and let's chat!

So, you know how I love Craigslist, right?  Well, if you didn't know- I do.  It's like a menagerie of mayhem! An online garage sale! A flea market without fleas! Whatever you want, you can find it on Craigslist!

Admittedly, I've gotten a lot off of Craigslist including my last corporate job, a few hard to find toys, my house,  fried shrimp, barbecue shrimp, broiled shrimp...

I once even found a helicopter... It came shipped in 27 boxes; but the fear that it also came with Ikea "draw me" instructions made me pass on the purchase...

But, there is something that annoys me. Craigslisters- we have to get our descriptions together.  No longer will this blog allow you... all meeeellions of you... to post things inaccurately. It's just a travesty in adjective abuse!  A waste of time for you and me. A bad way to start your day!

For instance, I've recently been searching for a beautiful chandelier to put above my dining room table so I can host lavish dinner parties and showcase the best of  Boston Market my culinary kitchen extraordinaire. And while doing so, I've come across things like this:

...that would be one piece for sale. It was described as a hanging Chandelier with a bonus accent piece. Bonus accent piece, ha?   Perhaps I should put it on the dining room table?  That should make for interesting conversation, pending I can see my guests...

Or how about this treasured gem from the Davy Jones Shipwreck collection? It was described as an "ornate brass chandelier" and it can be yours for the low price of $250...

Ornate??? Is that what we are going with??? Fugly was too hard to type? As long as the barnacles on it don't start talking...

This piece below would be perfect for your little bean's room.  And you can save $425 on buying it because it's on sale, now... RIGHT NOW... for $75

May be cute to someone... but that's some sort of love that made you buy a $500 moon and star chandelier... maybe I just don't get it... to each their own!

Now, this piece was described as having "amazing globes"

wait for it....



WAIT FOR IT!!!!!!










BAM!!!!

well, that was rather anti-climatic...
I guess, what could be considered amazing is that these globes cost $4 each at Lowe's but the seller of this piece wants $400.  Because upside down globes will rock your world, peeps.  Don't deny yourself the $400  light of cool...
Maybe the lister was tripping on 'shrooms... I could see how being high would make this seem like  AWESOMESAUCE!

Yes, this picture would be the "elegant" light fixture you clicked to inquire about. Conveniently listed under chandelier... because what's better than an overstated brass crystal mistake from the 80's than a few smaller brassy chandelier friends to scatter about the room?  It'll be GRANDTASTIC!

Or, if you are really, extremely fast, you can purchase a yet to be photographed chandelier that was $250 for $45! Details of the Emperor's New Chandelier can be described to you with a simple phone call to the lister... because he has a bevy of words that will describe it better than the two sentence post!

Let's agree to stop the madness, here and today.

Here are the suggested NEW Craigslist rules that we should all abide by:
1. There is someone out there who will want your junk.  Represent it wisely and sell quickly.  Doing otherwise will only waste time for everyone involved.

2. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Someone will look at these things and scour Craigslist for the next 4-5 days trying to find them; while I think they are all FUUUUGGGLLLLYYY less than pretty.  I get that.  So, just stick to the facts! No need for 1000 descriptive words (says the marketing professional).  I really can't believe I just let that escape my head... so we'll say limited descriptive words.  Just be accurate!

3. Be ready to part with your junk! The reason you paid $15,000 for that monstrosity  in 1982 is because it was in style then.  It went out by 1983... so, no, I, nor anyone with eyesight is willing to pay $14,995 for it today...mmmm k? Old and crusty does not equal vintage.  I know you are not willing to negotiate, but remember, you are trying to unload your fugly onto us because you can't stand the sight of it either... just remember my driving across town to get it is charity.  You should really pay someone to take it...

4. Please... puuuuh-leeeease (!!!!) post a picture.  I don't want to read 15 paragraphs and drive across town to find out you don't have what I want... and I don't feel like being spammed by you later on, either, when no one else wants to buy it.

So, can we all agree that this will make Craigslist a happier place? Puuuurty plllllllleeeease?!?!?!

Moral of the story: Don't abuse adjectives. They are your friends.

Kids Who Are WAAAY Cooler Than You

Just when your self esteem was getting it together... the music industry releases came up with some children who are way cooler than you...

Let's start here: Mindless Behavior

I was bopping along in the car to this song... thought it was about traveling across the world.

I've recently been able to listen to it because my son is in love with it... so, I do what I must for his musical education (aka- any excuse will do).

By the way... expect me to show up with afro boy's hair in 3...2...

Come to find out, this is the children's new Jackson 5, New Edition, NKOTB, N'Sync, B2K new generation... praying that they don't go the way of the groups that proceeded them.


And while we're on the subject, let's take a look at Diggy Simmons' song, "Copy Paste".  I feel like they try to do it like me, too.  I think I should play this in a work setting for a few folks...

Aren't there child labor laws to protect our adult cool from stuff like this... Secretly adding them to my ipod workout list... Enjoy the cuteness while you can Pumas and Cougars! 



Celebrity Benefit and Telethon

People.

.....blank stare.....

Let's all donate to the Little Wayne No Longer Needs To Shop at 5-7-9 Fund

A pair of women's leopard jeggings is a terrible thing to waste.

Phone lines are open.

The BMA's: Beyonce Maternity Announcement Ceremony

Sunday night's VMA's, in my opinion, was a smorgasbord of glitz, glamour, tomfoolery and shenanigans! I originally decided that since I was coming down from a birthday celebration high, I wasn't going to hold my usual Facebook commentary and just be a silent witness...

Then, while rocking my son to sleep, I saw this on my phone:

Photo:Wire Image

Wait, Whaaaaaa? Beyonce???? Pregnant??? 

I mean, my poor little bean barely got to shut his eyes before I had him down in the crib and came back to the grid to partake in the entire show. I had to get to the bottom of this! I mean, I was having a full on Stan attack moment.

This was, quite possibly, the most important television announcement since Obama won the 2008 election!  Baby Carter is going to be the most watched celebrity in Hollywood- maybe even more so than the child's parents.

I mean, I heard the baby was already signed to a 10 year record deal with Live Nation! IMG is representing the baby in the model contract negotiations with House of Dereon, Rocawear and Loreal. Coty is creating a fragrance! Maybach is currently creating a minivan... if you're interested and have an extra milli laying around under a couch somewhere... Beyonce is currently recording the diamond selling children's albums 12345 and ABC Day; and Jay-Z just found his 100th problem: getting into an upper crust New York prep school.

If that's not enough, Mama Tina has a new line of glittery baby leotards coming to a Walmart near you!

All in all- this baby is bigger than your life. It already holds the new world record for having the most tweets per second on twitter...

But church of WAtoMG, I don't want you to concentrate on baby Carter (aka GooGoo Gaga Knowles Carter) and how our lives will be consumed with the baby until early adulthood/sainthood/knightship.  No, instead, I want you to continue on with life as normal. The new normal...

Try not to concentrate on Entertainment Tonight and all of the other nightly "news" magazines that will hold your attention for a half hour to talk to the person at the end of the show who briefly passed Beyonce after a Doctor's appointment; and may or may have not heard what was said. Close your ears as these shows hire Dr. Drew to talk about how "he's not Beyonce's doctor; but if he was, he can tell you how she feels right now".  I want you remain steadfast and not spend hours of your work day... wasting time... trying to figure out what color the baby's room is going to be on the yacht they are taking to the south of France to buy some brie.  And MOST OF ALL don't expect to be invited to the baby shower AND PLEASE refrain from throwing your own...

Church, I know this will come as an immediate shock, but,  life will go on.  The shift of energy may be causing these Quakiccanados all up and down the East Coast; but I promise: things will return to the new normal.  

Your bills will still come. The gas will still be high. 

The only thing that will be different is the amount of leotards and shiny tights available at Walmart.

And the Maybach minivan... which you can't afford anyway.

And if you really... I mean REALLY just CANNOT for any other reason concentrate on anything else than the birth GooGoo Gaga Knowles Carter and the world tour that is sure to follow, then ask yourself this one, very simple question:

What the hell is that on Katy Perry's head????

Photo: Getty Images

Well, I guess if you're going to do something, do it big.  I'm happy for them.  

The moment your life changed just in case you missed it

The Fall of August

Does anyone, besides me, remember when August used to be a summer month?

Remember when August 1st rolled around you weren't even really thinking about school; and that you actually had 4 more weeks before school started?

Now, all of a sudden, August 1st rolls around and the ice cream trucks get kicked to the curb by school buses! The smell of coconut suntan lotion is swapped for the stench of school lunch; and swimsuits are snatched off of people everywhere in favor of boring school/work clothes. THE NERVE!

I was happily enjoying my three week summer sabbatical with my four year old son and nephew; and my niece who is ten.   We spent days off the computer lounging by our neighborhood pool; catching a movie; going bowling or traveling to the beach. The four of us... frolicking and running amok. Then summer was abruptly and indefinitely suspended by the call of school for my niece.  This was bad enough until my son's preschool/daycare called and said that he was expected back on August 8. Really? Expected?

Will I go to time out for this parenting infraction?

What happened and who approved the decision to cut summer short?  Was I Were the children just having too much fun?

I'm an August baby.  Meaning, I expect all 3 of my followers to write and find out what I want for my birthday I love summer and especially August. Unlike winter, summer's long, hot, steamy days have plenty of options like taking a dip in the pool, finding somewhere to get ice cream and keeping your mind out of the gutter (because I know some of you went there after reading long, hot and steamy in one sentence).  Why are we cutting the one time of year when everything is alive, things feel good and the day never lets you down? Why are we in such a rush to make it fall?  This is a tragedy! Someone needs to call the Mayor of Whoville and arrest the Grinch who stole summer!!!!  

Until I get to the bottom of this, we need to think fast and find a finger to point the blame!  And who is the finger pointed at for this debauchery and tomfoolery? Hallmark.  Mmmmhmmm... Hallmark! ...As in the card company...

YES! Children of America! Hallmark is the evil reason that you are in school early and summer is fleeing by the wayside.  Hallmark is the hater of August.  WHY? Because until I make this blog superdy dooperty famous, and become the first person to win the Presidency of the US for the Shenanigan Party; there are and will be no other holidays in August (until my birthday becomes one). So in an evil ploy to sell more cards, Hallmark has cut summer short by rushing Labor Day. Thus getting our minds to think "end of summer" right after the Fourth of July.

But you think the execs care about crushing the inner spirit of summer??? NO! THEY DON'T!  They need to make revenue and the only thing to celebrate in August is summer... so until we create a holiday, the theme is: August BE DAMNED!!!

WE CAN NOT LET THEM WIN!  WE MUST TAKE BACK SUMMER!

Follow this blog... it will save summer.

I do it for you.

There is a Place For Us...

A picture of the back splash I created in our condo. It's GAW-JUSSS... from afar...

I think in another life, I must have been an interior designer... or maybe I just had more decorative use for the straw in my hut than the next chick...  But either way, when it comes to DIY and home decor, I am like a 3 year old: I think I can do EVERYTHING by myself.

This obsession with DIY has been going on for a long time.  As a youngster, used to look at those old JC Penny catalogs, you know- the ones that used to double as booster seats in the kitchen, and relish over the items I would buy for my doll house once my father finally popped it out of the press board and put it together. However, upon further recollection of this memory, I realize this was something that never happened as it was in a garage sale during my teen years... looking all lonely... still in the box. Dying for miniature furniture...

Sorry... I lost myself in consulting my inner child... where was I?

Oh yes, DIY.   I look at all these blogs around the internet and everything looks so beautiful and easy to create. The posts promise that I, too, can go to my local Goodwill, buy something for $2, spray paint it and make it look like a million bucks; preferably in one afternoon and while wearing my marabou slippers and baking a pie.

But behind the scenes, these chicks are doing the most!  Working with miter saws! Painting with power sprayers! Shooting off nail guns! Cutting to exact measurements! Pouring chemicals! All types of shenanigans that would take your fingers off- not to mention, ruin a good mani!

So here's the thing with my DIY'ing: I need shortcuts!  I am a sucker for short cuts! Where's the Gorilla Glue? The duct tape? Coloring it in with a marker??? The love of measurements that are "good enough for now"???

Child, you can't tell me that Gorilla Glue can't build a house! I've once built a custom shoji screen using Gorilla Glue, florescent light screens and some wood molding that was cut "good enough"  from the hardware store.  Never mind the fact that I had to check on it everyday to see if it was still standing! The fact was, it was done- and so was I!  A DIY project off my list!

But I still NEED to DIY something.  Anything! Maybe my kitchen can use a double side taped floor?  And then I saw it: the place for people like me.  It was on Censtational Girl's website and it's taking place June of 2012.  The Haven Conference. Where my favorite DIY bloggers will give me endless reasons to spend my 401k in Hobby Lobby and Home Depot so I can make beautiful new doo-dad thingies!  It's going to be GRANDTASTIC!!!!! And it's happening right in my backyard so no excuses!

The conference promises to show me how to create all sorts of goodies.  And get this: YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO USE POWER TOOLS! Uhhh-huh!!!! Like the stuff that is more powerful than my $10 drill- although that little sucka gets the job done...  Just look behind my TV for proof!  Wall looks like Swiss cheese back there. Don't tell anyone, mmmk?

With any hopes, I'll be able to show off my new kitchen done ALL BY MYSELF.... and an electrician.  Because there are somethings I'll NEVER attempt!

Until that time, crooked is the new straight. Pass it on...