A PSA: Don't steal from the cRaZy Lady...

A Love Letter To the Parent Who Keeps Stealing Permanently Borrowing My Son's Hoodies:

Dear Fellow Fashionista Whose Child's Clothes "Strangely" Resembles Mine,

You know, there was a time when I didn't know what the heck I was doing with this baby thing... The newness of it all... what to dress him in...

There was a time when it was the middle of July and I had him bundled up like he was about to cross the Bering Straight. Or the times when the season would change and I would, embarrassingly but admittedly, try to get him in that one summer outfit he never got to wear.

But whew!!!!!  What a sigh of relief I can breathe to know that you find my child's sense of style so refreshingly on point!  I mean, I took two seconds to tap myself on the back when you took the first hoodie home.  But now that you've taken them all, YEEEE-HAAAAW!!!! Look out Fashion Week! Here I come!

I totally understand how you can get confused when you pick up your child and there are all those hangers there with the children's names and a picture on them.   At a certain point, it starts to look like you are at a store where they sell everything for FREE99!  And my son does have one of those faces that looks, surprisingly, like everyone according to the people who say he looks like me AND his father (the nerve of these people to suggest he looks like the  both of US and not the neighbors).  And then, the fact that his name is written in the jacket must almost look like a gift tag; and the name merely suggests who it is from!!!  I get it... I do. You should really just send me a thank you card.

However, when I pull up to the school... and my son's clothes are missing.... I start ticking. Popping and locking like Electric Boogaloo is on... and having flashbacks... of like, the time I was 15.5 months pregnant tucking and rolling through the Old Navy Black Friday sale trying to save my life from the real crazies who were sleeping out there overnight...

...Or I think about how many hours of BS I put with at work to afford all of those $20 jackets. Or how my husband was late to work looking all over the house for that jacket and then trying to get my son to put it on...

Then there is the sad thought of him on the playground cold as hell while your child runs around in all of his clothes. Or the angry thought about me wasting my gas, money and time going to get a few more of them...

Parent, never mind my feelings. I mean, who am I to impose on your child's fashion-hook-up-ed-ness? The genius level he is to shop for, buy and launder his own clothes!  Or the Phantom Menace that lives with you so you can suggest that you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA where the heck all those Old Navy and Gap Hoodies came from...

Santa Claus must stop by your house once a quarter!

However, you should be forewarned; I'm a little bit touched.  No, not in the Hallmark greeting card way.  In the "if you see someone peering over their steering wheel in the parking lot with a trench coat, cat eye sunglasses and a black scarf wrapped fabulously over their head staring at you" or "if you sense someone is in your bushes looking at you eat dinner" or  "keep your peripheral vision open because I might run in for the tackle at any moment" sort of way.

And I'm not mad because I spend money on quality clothing for MY CHILDREN (notice I said "MY" not "OUR") that keeps coming up missing; but for the principle that you would permanently borrow these items with no thought or regard as to the child you are stealing them from. And do it multiple times! The shame!

I see you. You've been warned and put on notice.
SECURITY!

We're Breaking Up

Expose: The Bad Habits of People on Craigslist

Hellllllllllllllllllooooooooo WATMG peeps!
How have ya' been? I've missed you all so dearly.  Grab some tea... kick off your marabous... Sit a spell and let's chat!

So, you know how I love Craigslist, right?  Well, if you didn't know- I do.  It's like a menagerie of mayhem! An online garage sale! A flea market without fleas! Whatever you want, you can find it on Craigslist!

Admittedly, I've gotten a lot off of Craigslist including my last corporate job, a few hard to find toys, my house,  fried shrimp, barbecue shrimp, broiled shrimp...

I once even found a helicopter... It came shipped in 27 boxes; but the fear that it also came with Ikea "draw me" instructions made me pass on the purchase...

But, there is something that annoys me. Craigslisters- we have to get our descriptions together.  No longer will this blog allow you... all meeeellions of you... to post things inaccurately. It's just a travesty in adjective abuse!  A waste of time for you and me. A bad way to start your day!

For instance, I've recently been searching for a beautiful chandelier to put above my dining room table so I can host lavish dinner parties and showcase the best of  Boston Market my culinary kitchen extraordinaire. And while doing so, I've come across things like this:

...that would be one piece for sale. It was described as a hanging Chandelier with a bonus accent piece. Bonus accent piece, ha?   Perhaps I should put it on the dining room table?  That should make for interesting conversation, pending I can see my guests...

Or how about this treasured gem from the Davy Jones Shipwreck collection? It was described as an "ornate brass chandelier" and it can be yours for the low price of $250...

Ornate??? Is that what we are going with??? Fugly was too hard to type? As long as the barnacles on it don't start talking...

This piece below would be perfect for your little bean's room.  And you can save $425 on buying it because it's on sale, now... RIGHT NOW... for $75

May be cute to someone... but that's some sort of love that made you buy a $500 moon and star chandelier... maybe I just don't get it... to each their own!

Now, this piece was described as having "amazing globes"

wait for it....



WAIT FOR IT!!!!!!










BAM!!!!

well, that was rather anti-climatic...
I guess, what could be considered amazing is that these globes cost $4 each at Lowe's but the seller of this piece wants $400.  Because upside down globes will rock your world, peeps.  Don't deny yourself the $400  light of cool...
Maybe the lister was tripping on 'shrooms... I could see how being high would make this seem like  AWESOMESAUCE!

Yes, this picture would be the "elegant" light fixture you clicked to inquire about. Conveniently listed under chandelier... because what's better than an overstated brass crystal mistake from the 80's than a few smaller brassy chandelier friends to scatter about the room?  It'll be GRANDTASTIC!

Or, if you are really, extremely fast, you can purchase a yet to be photographed chandelier that was $250 for $45! Details of the Emperor's New Chandelier can be described to you with a simple phone call to the lister... because he has a bevy of words that will describe it better than the two sentence post!

Let's agree to stop the madness, here and today.

Here are the suggested NEW Craigslist rules that we should all abide by:
1. There is someone out there who will want your junk.  Represent it wisely and sell quickly.  Doing otherwise will only waste time for everyone involved.

2. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Someone will look at these things and scour Craigslist for the next 4-5 days trying to find them; while I think they are all FUUUUGGGLLLLYYY less than pretty.  I get that.  So, just stick to the facts! No need for 1000 descriptive words (says the marketing professional).  I really can't believe I just let that escape my head... so we'll say limited descriptive words.  Just be accurate!

3. Be ready to part with your junk! The reason you paid $15,000 for that monstrosity  in 1982 is because it was in style then.  It went out by 1983... so, no, I, nor anyone with eyesight is willing to pay $14,995 for it today...mmmm k? Old and crusty does not equal vintage.  I know you are not willing to negotiate, but remember, you are trying to unload your fugly onto us because you can't stand the sight of it either... just remember my driving across town to get it is charity.  You should really pay someone to take it...

4. Please... puuuuh-leeeease (!!!!) post a picture.  I don't want to read 15 paragraphs and drive across town to find out you don't have what I want... and I don't feel like being spammed by you later on, either, when no one else wants to buy it.

So, can we all agree that this will make Craigslist a happier place? Puuuurty plllllllleeeease?!?!?!

Moral of the story: Don't abuse adjectives. They are your friends.

Kids Who Are WAAAY Cooler Than You

Just when your self esteem was getting it together... the music industry releases came up with some children who are way cooler than you...

Let's start here: Mindless Behavior

I was bopping along in the car to this song... thought it was about traveling across the world.

I've recently been able to listen to it because my son is in love with it... so, I do what I must for his musical education (aka- any excuse will do).

By the way... expect me to show up with afro boy's hair in 3...2...

Come to find out, this is the children's new Jackson 5, New Edition, NKOTB, N'Sync, B2K new generation... praying that they don't go the way of the groups that proceeded them.


And while we're on the subject, let's take a look at Diggy Simmons' song, "Copy Paste".  I feel like they try to do it like me, too.  I think I should play this in a work setting for a few folks...

Aren't there child labor laws to protect our adult cool from stuff like this... Secretly adding them to my ipod workout list... Enjoy the cuteness while you can Pumas and Cougars! 



Celebrity Benefit and Telethon

People.

.....blank stare.....

Let's all donate to the Little Wayne No Longer Needs To Shop at 5-7-9 Fund

A pair of women's leopard jeggings is a terrible thing to waste.

Phone lines are open.

The BMA's: Beyonce Maternity Announcement Ceremony

Sunday night's VMA's, in my opinion, was a smorgasbord of glitz, glamour, tomfoolery and shenanigans! I originally decided that since I was coming down from a birthday celebration high, I wasn't going to hold my usual Facebook commentary and just be a silent witness...

Then, while rocking my son to sleep, I saw this on my phone:

Photo:Wire Image

Wait, Whaaaaaa? Beyonce???? Pregnant??? 

I mean, my poor little bean barely got to shut his eyes before I had him down in the crib and came back to the grid to partake in the entire show. I had to get to the bottom of this! I mean, I was having a full on Stan attack moment.

This was, quite possibly, the most important television announcement since Obama won the 2008 election!  Baby Carter is going to be the most watched celebrity in Hollywood- maybe even more so than the child's parents.

I mean, I heard the baby was already signed to a 10 year record deal with Live Nation! IMG is representing the baby in the model contract negotiations with House of Dereon, Rocawear and Loreal. Coty is creating a fragrance! Maybach is currently creating a minivan... if you're interested and have an extra milli laying around under a couch somewhere... Beyonce is currently recording the diamond selling children's albums 12345 and ABC Day; and Jay-Z just found his 100th problem: getting into an upper crust New York prep school.

If that's not enough, Mama Tina has a new line of glittery baby leotards coming to a Walmart near you!

All in all- this baby is bigger than your life. It already holds the new world record for having the most tweets per second on twitter...

But church of WAtoMG, I don't want you to concentrate on baby Carter (aka GooGoo Gaga Knowles Carter) and how our lives will be consumed with the baby until early adulthood/sainthood/knightship.  No, instead, I want you to continue on with life as normal. The new normal...

Try not to concentrate on Entertainment Tonight and all of the other nightly "news" magazines that will hold your attention for a half hour to talk to the person at the end of the show who briefly passed Beyonce after a Doctor's appointment; and may or may have not heard what was said. Close your ears as these shows hire Dr. Drew to talk about how "he's not Beyonce's doctor; but if he was, he can tell you how she feels right now".  I want you remain steadfast and not spend hours of your work day... wasting time... trying to figure out what color the baby's room is going to be on the yacht they are taking to the south of France to buy some brie.  And MOST OF ALL don't expect to be invited to the baby shower AND PLEASE refrain from throwing your own...

Church, I know this will come as an immediate shock, but,  life will go on.  The shift of energy may be causing these Quakiccanados all up and down the East Coast; but I promise: things will return to the new normal.  

Your bills will still come. The gas will still be high. 

The only thing that will be different is the amount of leotards and shiny tights available at Walmart.

And the Maybach minivan... which you can't afford anyway.

And if you really... I mean REALLY just CANNOT for any other reason concentrate on anything else than the birth GooGoo Gaga Knowles Carter and the world tour that is sure to follow, then ask yourself this one, very simple question:

What the hell is that on Katy Perry's head????

Photo: Getty Images

Well, I guess if you're going to do something, do it big.  I'm happy for them.  

The moment your life changed just in case you missed it

The Fall of August

Does anyone, besides me, remember when August used to be a summer month?

Remember when August 1st rolled around you weren't even really thinking about school; and that you actually had 4 more weeks before school started?

Now, all of a sudden, August 1st rolls around and the ice cream trucks get kicked to the curb by school buses! The smell of coconut suntan lotion is swapped for the stench of school lunch; and swimsuits are snatched off of people everywhere in favor of boring school/work clothes. THE NERVE!

I was happily enjoying my three week summer sabbatical with my four year old son and nephew; and my niece who is ten.   We spent days off the computer lounging by our neighborhood pool; catching a movie; going bowling or traveling to the beach. The four of us... frolicking and running amok. Then summer was abruptly and indefinitely suspended by the call of school for my niece.  This was bad enough until my son's preschool/daycare called and said that he was expected back on August 8. Really? Expected?

Will I go to time out for this parenting infraction?

What happened and who approved the decision to cut summer short?  Was I Were the children just having too much fun?

I'm an August baby.  Meaning, I expect all 3 of my followers to write and find out what I want for my birthday I love summer and especially August. Unlike winter, summer's long, hot, steamy days have plenty of options like taking a dip in the pool, finding somewhere to get ice cream and keeping your mind out of the gutter (because I know some of you went there after reading long, hot and steamy in one sentence).  Why are we cutting the one time of year when everything is alive, things feel good and the day never lets you down? Why are we in such a rush to make it fall?  This is a tragedy! Someone needs to call the Mayor of Whoville and arrest the Grinch who stole summer!!!!  

Until I get to the bottom of this, we need to think fast and find a finger to point the blame!  And who is the finger pointed at for this debauchery and tomfoolery? Hallmark.  Mmmmhmmm... Hallmark! ...As in the card company...

YES! Children of America! Hallmark is the evil reason that you are in school early and summer is fleeing by the wayside.  Hallmark is the hater of August.  WHY? Because until I make this blog superdy dooperty famous, and become the first person to win the Presidency of the US for the Shenanigan Party; there are and will be no other holidays in August (until my birthday becomes one). So in an evil ploy to sell more cards, Hallmark has cut summer short by rushing Labor Day. Thus getting our minds to think "end of summer" right after the Fourth of July.

But you think the execs care about crushing the inner spirit of summer??? NO! THEY DON'T!  They need to make revenue and the only thing to celebrate in August is summer... so until we create a holiday, the theme is: August BE DAMNED!!!

WE CAN NOT LET THEM WIN!  WE MUST TAKE BACK SUMMER!

Follow this blog... it will save summer.

I do it for you.