The End of the World as We Know It

Here we are peeps. It is December 20, 2012. A seemingly non-notable day for any other year in history; but a special day for us. Why? Because we are the chosen ones who, yet again, get to partake in one more end of the world extravaganza!!!!

For those of you keeping score: the other times were just dress rehearsal and canceled due to the minor technical difficulty of...you know... the world not ending...

Minor detail, folks!

But we, oh lucky ones, get to say we were here!  We saw it coming (on History Channel- a surprising cable network that spends most of its time predicting the future). I mean, we look at our own calendar expire every year and don't brace ourselves for the end; yet, let a Mayan overachiever create a 2000 year calendar and decide to... I don't know... retire.... and all of a sudden, we need to prepare for the end!

But before we fully celebrate Dooms Day Eve by posting random comments to facebook/twitter, taking pictures of our toes for instagram, shopping for gifts we may or may not need in a couple of days, and generally going on with life as usual; I'd like to take the time to update the congregation on a few important announcements:

1. I SUCK at Blogging:
I was checking this blog out not because people still comment on it... and not because it's almost been a year since I posted anything; but because I was watching Catfish the other night on MTV (a show where lonely people create fake profiles and commit to long term relationships as someones unsuspecting look alike)  and found out that you can search using an image on google. Since my picture is at the masthead of this thing, I was really coming to see if there was anyone with a secret profile with my images; and conversely, a legion of unsuspecting men who are in love with me.

No such luck. It just led me back to this page.  To which, I wanted to post a blog to say: if anybody out there would like to use my likeness to, you know, sway a certain gentleman your way; I would only request that you live the full MG experience. Come on over to my brand of crazy! Wash some clothes, shake some hands and babysit some babies. Marabou slippers don't judge... hell, I'd want to be me, too.

2. Ain't Nobody Worried, Until We're All Panicking
As a person who has deemed herself important enough to need a blog to describe my particular brand of crazy, I've realized that I've never taken the time to let anyone know what my brand of crazy entails.

My brand of crazy is all about worrying... and making lists.... and then worrying some more about what my lists may not include... and then making a list of things my list needs. Then procrastinating because a little pressure never hurt anyone.

However, my hubs is the only one who refers to it this way. I like to call it: Melanie's Highly Advanced Preparation System of Awesomeness. You see, I'm not worried about the world ending. I  am more concerned about what will happen 3 days after it does and we realize the lights on my battery operated candles are about to fizzle. Why battery operated candles? Because, in the spectrum of worrying, you have to think ahead to what you don't want to be worried about! Battery operated candles keep the house from burning down when everyone is running around in circles in a sheer panic (thus knocking over a candle). DUH! 

So, I think I'm going to go buy some watch batteries tomorrow or in a couple of days to alleviate this need and charge up my back-up battery's, back-up batteries, just in case. See what I'm saying?!?! Word to yo' motha! Marabou slippers don't lie!


3. Don't Use Today to Skimp on Holiday Treats
Most of the people I know are on a diet. A diet to get thin. A diet to maintain weight. A diet from their diet that's not working.

But today, congregation, I'm here to tell you that you need to EAT!  Eat like you've never eaten before. If you think you only want two holiday cookies, eat four and store eight like a chipmunk for later! If you've already had breakfast, make like a hobbit and opt for second breakfast! If you're having a happy hour cocktail, you should consider following it up with an ECSTATIC hour bottle. You should attempt to eat with your fork, spoon, knife and fingers.

Why? Because I know that some of you are out here in your red bottom CL's, diamonds up the wazoo and half-tank-premium-gas-is-to-expensive-fill-up fancy cars; yet have a pantry full of memories. You haven't been grocery shopping since grocery shopping's been grocery shopping.  And inevitably, you and your diet are going to end up at my house looking for some of those cookies you should have eaten today. Please, don't be so inclined to clutch your pearls when I politely tell you that my cookies are for the kids and usher you away. Ain't nobody got time for your brand of foolishness. Besides, if we make it anywhere close to the 23rd, I'm sure you would have found a fast to rid yourself of your past sins of the last 48 hours anyway... But today, sistah girl, is not the day.

4. Give a Baby a Hug
 Now onto a serious note: I'm a jokester. Sometime, I laugh to keep from crying. In fact, when in doubt, I will typically just laugh.  It's not always appropriate; but it beats walking around with a Botox stoic face.

However, people these days are crazy. We sit here and worry about a calendar that was created XX thousands of years ago; yet don't think of the particular brand of crazy that we subscribe to and look at everyday.

I've been quite disturbed with some of the things I've seen and heard in the past few weeks. I mean, newspaper covers with a man who was pushed of train platform.  A young man being gunned down for his music being too loud...

And just when I thought that was enough, came the ultimate gut punch to our sense of peace and security.

I'll never understand why some people do what they do. What drives people to the edge of insanity or what happens when we can no longer distinguish right from wrong. I, along with the rest of the nation, can only wonder what was going through that young man's head when he decided to walk into a school and take the lives of so many people; especially the young children.

You see, no matter how long you live, life is short. We can sit and concentrate on a calendar or the million thing that we need to do. Or we can choose to live and concentrate on the things that matter:  the sound of a child's voice;  breathing fresh air;  laughing at a joke; creating a cherished memory.

I haven't been on my blog because I've been living. I worry so that my children don't have to. In reality, I love to celebrate holidays because that's where my fondest memories are created and I live... I mean LIVE for my childrens' hugs and kisses.

My heart goes out to the parents, children, siblings, spouses, extended family members and friends who were personally affected by the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy. Word's really can't express my feelings.

Live today. Procrastinate on your worry for tomorrow if it comes...






 

Happy Friggin NEW YEAR!!!!

So, let me start by saying,
"WHAT THE HELL IS UP, PEEPS!!!!"
I know, I know! I haven't been around in quite a few days... weeks....

Well months.
But who's counting.  Okay, you few sitting at your computers with your hands up... I see you. You can just put them down, okay?  Thanks.

ANYWAY. My bloggy muse (you know who you are) said that my new year's resolution should be to blog more. And I, who don't really believe in New month's resolutions (because that's the average time a resolution lasts for me in the past... one month), obliged, because after all, that's a pretty decent goal.

But, in an effort to not sprain a finger with my random OVER achievement mode, I went back to what I was doing-  promising myself that I would write later... because why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? Isn't that the saying... oh, it's not??? I digress...

And then, as it always happens in my life.. IT happened.


That's right folks. These would be the two shoes that caused me to run back to my blog and say,
"FOR THE LOVE OF FRIGGIN HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!! TAKE SEA BISCUIT OFF YOUR FEET!!!!!! "

You see, my post "The Curious Case of Ugly Shoes" happens to be one of my most popular posts.Why? Because people, internationally, have banned together to join in protest against the fashion industry's persistent demand that we wear fugliness AND pay a premium price for it.

But then it dawned on me.  That while people are leaving their houses in droves to protest corporate greed, sleeping in tents, threatening not to take baths... freezing in the cold...

There are also poor people sleeping outside of malls, waiting in long lines in the freezing cold with their children...who are catching "ammonia"... to get a pair of Jordan's.

 Ammonia... it's going around and quite rampant this time of year... Cleaning windows without warning.

But have you seen the shoes they were waiting in line for?

Yes, sneakers. With patent leather. Because wearing a tux while working out is the new hotness.

But it's not just this that made me blog.  It's overall stupidity. And the people who wear it as a badge of honor like some doorknocker earrings with their name slapped in the middle...

But sometimes, stupidity just sneaks up on you like a ninja. As a subscriber to ideeli, I like to think that I'm going to get an AWESOME deal on something I wouldn't otherwise buy.  And today, I saw it!  A Hermes Blue Jean Celeste Bag.  And clutch my lucky pearls, it was going for the low price of $12,599.99; a discounted savings from the original $15,000 it would normally cost.


And I said to myself, "Self, this is nothing that a little title pawn can't take care of!!!!! Who needs a house when you can have Hermes?!?!?! Responsibilities BE DAMNED!!!!"

But... wait... did they have the nerve to say in the fine print that this is a "Pre-Owned" Hermes??? As in used Hermes?!?!?  With someone's old balled up receipts and dried up cookie crumbs floating around at the bottom?!?!??! FOR $13K? So, you mean to tell me that this bag, worn by some Paris Hilton type before she decided that blue didn't match her dog's toe nails isn't worthy of half price??? Really???

Not that I would buy it at half price anyway...

But I won't blame them. No, I will blame me. Yeah, me.
Because I wasn't blogging.... and by blogging, I could have continued to bring attention to the rampant stupidity that has taken a hold of this great nation and brainwashed us into believing that if you pay more it will be pretty.
See?


Stuuuuupidity. Right about there.

I'd like to thank my supporting cast for bringing me out of my blogging funk:

• Taj Washington and the picture of Kelis and Chrissy Lampkin
• Hermes for the Blue Jean Celeste Bag and Ideeli for being such a good office mate to bring it to me at 8 AM on sale when I almost lost it over my overpriced Starbucks
• Nike and Micheal Jordan for his tap dancing penguin Concords
• and Christian Louboutin for his Puck boots. The inspiration for it all...

Nevermind... there is someone better

Last night, while on Facebook, a friend of mine posted a video of  Miss Drea singing Adele's Someone Like You.  She had previously forgotten the lyrics in another video; however, now that she remembered them, she was going to sing the whole song...

So, I decided to really give this song a listen.  Normally, when I'm in the car, I can't hear it because there is a precocious 4 year old in the back covering it with his loose interpretation of the words...

So my thoughts after listening? Ladies: we need a reconnaissance mission.  It's time to take our self esteem back just in time for 2012!  I'll let some of you get away with this foolishness for now; however, come 2012, songs like this will get an immediate remix complete with a DJ scratching and a booty bass track.

What's wrong with the song you ask? Nothing in particular with the singing or the style of the song.  It is a beautiful piece of art.  But what's wrong is the mindset and the fact that so many women are content to think this way. 

Here are 5 of mindsets we need to change in 2012 from this song:

1. " I guess she gave you things that I didn't"  Analyzing your ex's new relationship:
   
   Okay, I get it.  The song is written by someone who is heartbroken.  But, um, she says "old friend".  And they have been married because she heard around town which means the invites went out, cake was cut, the champagne was popped and the DJ packed up and went home; while the ex girlfriend was at home sulking and looking at pictures from yester-year.  Women, let's make it a point: Take a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months to get over this dude; but once you are over him BE OVER HIM!  Stop looking at everyone he dates and comparing her to yourself. He likes her because he likes her- end of story.  Chances are, it has nothing to do with you. Analyzing it won't make the situation different. It's a waste of your time and a distraction from what you should be doing (like sticking a pin in his voodoo doll or something)
   
2. "I hate to turn up out the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it" STALKER! STALKERAZZIE!
   In real life, we call people who do things like this one of two things: either extremely rude or a stalker. In either case, that's not what you want to be.  All you wanted to do was see with your very own  two eyes that the rumors are true.  That's why Google was invented.  Google his name and see what is  true or false. I'm sure you have some mutual friends on facebook... ask them if you really need to know.  If it is, wish them well by suggesting they use this song every year for their anniversary and move on.
    
    Then make like Adele, become extremely successful and remind yourself who really lost something in the relationship.
   
3. "I hope you'd see my face and be reminded that for me, it isn't over..." Hanging On to a Dead Phone
   Oh, is that what that scowl is?  Or the crazy eyes?  Because if he didn't want you before, then showing up with crazy fire eyes will definitely make him want you now!!! Yippy! Awesome lyrics for a song; but again... a little Chucky Doll meets Nightmare on Elm Street-ish in the real world.  And, I'm sure, the new wife has been WAITING for an excuse to kick your arse after she saw you peering through the bushes trying to make sure they are really married.  Yeah, let this jackhole know it isn't over on the doorstep during dinner and see what really happens... SECURITY!
   
4. "Old friend why are you so shy? It's not like you to hold back or hide from the light"  Getting the Stoic Face from the Ex
   So, you ran up on him... and the wife... at the house... and he has the stoic face. It's not shyness, sweetness.  It's shock. What he's thinking is, "OH SH!T!!!"  or "AWKWARD!!!"   Because he can't even imagine why you, after all this time... are HERE.  Or care.  Because obviously, he doesn't.  And this can be proven by the wedding picture that is probably carefully placed in the foyer right over his left shoulder... you know, the same arm with the left hand and the ring.  Here's what you should have done: let HIM show up uninvited at one of your sold out concerts anywhere in the world (or for us commoners- some where that you're having loads of fun).  Then have security escort him out for being a threat to the show. Spend the money you made on the concert tickets knowing that he cared enough to spend his very best watching your glory from his peon seat in the nosebleed section.
   
5. "Nevermind, I'll find somebody like you... don't forget me, I beg..." Trying to Make Your New Man the Ex BUT Leaving a Shoe In The Door Just In Case
   Okay.  I saved this one for last because this is the most widespread, convoluted idea out there.  The wish and desire to find someone JUST LIKE your ex.  REALLY?  You want a person who would tell you at some point in your relationship, "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"?  Someone that doesn't even talk to you anymore and that you have to stalk to get their attention? Someone who obviously forgot you- as you are begging him not to forget you? SOMEONE WHO LEFT???   Ladies, ladies, ladies!!!!!! Let's get it together!  The man you are supposed to spend forever with doesn't say or do these things.  Most of all, part of getting to forever is, well, not leaving.  Your ex is an ex for a reason.  Find someone who is nothing like him... at all!  Stop dating the fairy tale person you created this ex to be in your head.  And if you were the one who ruined the relationship, you never really wanted him anyway! Why find someone else you are willing to run over and chase after the fact?  At any rate, here's a clue: if you are chasing someone, typically it's because they are running away. 

So please, let's be mindful of the new rules and start singing this song instead:

Nevermind, I found someone way better than you

I have completely forgotten you and what's her name, too

Please go away I beg. This relationship is dead

Sometimes you make mistakes and you have to lye in that bed

Sometimes you make mistakes and have to lye in that bed....

Special shout out and double fist pump to the chest to Mr. WAtoMG. Proof that someone better is out there!

TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY!!!!!

Black Friday at Target 

I have no idea why stores like to rush directly from Halloween to Christmas.  Because in the middle... is the MONSTER TRUCK of all holidays.  A day so special, it is being honored by most businesses everywhere as a paid holiday:

BLACK FRIDAY (also known at the WAtoMG as TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY!!!)

Yeah, I know... you were thinking Thanksgiving.  Well, while you're getting your chomp chomp on; there will be a soccer mom, somewhere, doing pull-ups, so she can maneuver her elbows high enough to "accidentally" give you one to the face while trying to wrestle Dance Revolution 2 out of your firm grip.

I started shopping the TUCK AND ROLL Friday sales about two years ago.  Prior to that, I still had a bad taste in my mouth about the whole day because as a former retail worker, I hated that I had to work NO MATTER WHAT! Not working meant that I would no longer have a job come HOLY ISH!!! SATURDAY, which happens to be the day following BLACK FRIDAY when most shoppers realize the mortgage was just spent on the 5 awesome, non-refundable LCD TV's, some tube socks, and a 3 way crock pot.

But there's something about having children that for me, justified the absolute absurdity of getting up at zero o'clock to hang out with a bunch of crazy folks; holding my life in my hands shopping for God only know what (which probably would still be available on GAAAAH!! WHO WANTS THAT? Sunday).

Aaaaand let's not forget...the Power Wheel cool convertible: on sale for $99.  Yeeeee-HAAAAW!  I was doing it for the children, folks.

So, the first time I attended TUCK AND ROLL Friday, I jumped out of bed at 5:00 AM.  I was sleepwalking because the overall excitement made me restless; but I went out anyway because there were sales to be had!!!! I had a pocket full of credit that was burning a hole in my jeans.

The streets of my neighborhood were silent with visions of sugar plums dancing in the non-certifiables' heads.  However, once I was right around the corner from Walmart, all chaos ensued! People!  As far as the eye can see! It looked like a swarm of bees around a nest! But that's not what struck me as odd.  What was strange is that they were leaving the store...with 3-4 TV's in their carts; DVD players; Power Wheels!  I was soooooo excited to be in there midst.... I KNEW I was going to get something good...

...Until I walked into the store and all that was left was a stale box of Cheerios and some memorabilia pallets that were empty and stamped with "BLACK FRIDAY WAS HERE". Apparently, these people left their families and the turkey; put on their Rambo gear and camped out... starting on Wednesday night... two weeks ago.

I was so sad.  I wallowed around the store aimlessly... wondering if the magic of Christmas was gone... if my child would look like Little Timmy in the Christmas Story asking for more porridge...

So, in a last ditch effort to save Christmas, I went to ask the one worker who wasn't hiding in a bunker if there were anymore Power Wheels left.  Holding a balloon and standing behind a shopping card, she looked at me roboticly and said, "DO YOU WANT IT?"

And there... in her cart was IT!  The gift that saved Christmas and TUCK AND ROLL FRIDAY! No, not a Power Wheel; but something I wasn't even thinking about getting until that very moment when I couldn't let the sale go! A Samsung digital video camera for $150!  I was hooked!!! After doing the cabbage patch and the running man, I put the camera in my cart and proceeded to shop ecstatically for things I didn't need!  Towels for $1.50? CHECK! A mini chopper for $2? DOUBLE CHECK!  A big wheel that would be that same Black Friday price through the whole season? TRIPLE CHECK, SNITCHES!!!!! I was skipping around the store with a delirious "I just saved $150 by shopping on Black Friday" look on my face! In general, I felt GRANDTASTIC about my purchases and swore that next year, I would have a plan, a map, walkie talkies, and tents like some of the other fanatics out there... Double fist pump to the chest for my new peeps!

However, when 2010 Tuck and Roll Friday came around, I had no such luck.  I was in Tennessee. The day produced one of those annoyingly cold misty rains.  And people were parked 3 miles back from Walmart at 8 PM; hitching rides to the front door.   I was about 17.5 months pregnant and the thought of Susan Soccer Mom elbowing me for the last $5 game of Cooties as I waddled through the store about to bite someone was not appealing. Something about pregnancy brings you to your better senses... unless you are considering pickles and ice cream. In which case, my whole point would be ruined.

Instead, last year, was the dawn of a new brand of crazy. I had to bind Mr. WAtoMG's fingers together and remove the mouse from his computer as he was clicking to glory on Cyber Monday- the holiday that happens if you didn't remorse for previous sins during HOLY ISH!!! SATURDAY and the big boxes way to relieve you of your 401 (k).

But this year will be different!  This year will be it! My year to buy all of Christmas in one day.  I've already been looking at the circulars.  I have my son's walkie talkies. I've been training for marathons and taking yoga! I have power bars, a cooler of water, canned goods, sleeping bags and a portable DVD player. Thanksgiving dinner is already purchased courtesy of Marie Calendar TV dinners...

And my tuck and roll is vicious... Operation Occupy Walmart is in full effin' effect!

Oh yes, people! Marabou slippers will be running like Wilma Rudolph at a store near you! Pearls and pin-curls! Arms flailing! Frenzy to the fullest!

Because what would please the big banks, politicians and the Occupy Movement more than if all of America creates a holiday to go into the RED making sure big corporate stores get into the BLACK?

The power of suggestion over the sheeple...

The moral of the story: be careful out there both physically and financially. Make a list.  Research your purchases and get the things you are certain about. Don't be mean to the sales people... they are frightened from the madness and really just want to be home with their families while you are participating in the crazy. And remember: the spirit of the holidays and giving is not about how much money you saved by switching to Geico; but about time with family and the memories that are created.

Making a mental note and preaching to the choir. Doing lunges... and listening to "The Final Countdown"

Follow the Crazy: http://bfads.net/

Photo Credit- MSNBC

It's 10:30 PM. Do You Know Where Your Husband and Children Are?

I know where mine are... and no this post is actually not about that...
What it IS about is my new obsession: Pinterest. Grab a cocktail... I need to talk.

Because in reality, even though I know that the hubs is sitting right in front of me playing Batman on Playstation and the two chirruns are upstairs in the bed snuggled tight in their beds, the only object that I NEED to know where it is, is laying safely in my lap.

That would be my laptop, my pinning button and... yes... my Pinterest.

Can you smell the pretty coming through the screen people? OMG... It's been like 5 minutes typing, which is 5 minutes that I have been away from my new obsession. This blog is really taking way too much of my time...

Is this what it feels like to be on drugs???  I do know that I now understand my husband's "can't really hear you while this play is being snapped" thing he does while he's watching football and I'm nagging about something telling him something severely important about my sock drawer.

What is Pinterest you ask?  It's Playstation/ Football for women.  A place where I can neatly store all the ideas I run across on the internet without bookmarking my browser to death with things I will never, ever be able to find again... And unlike my browser favorite button, it stores a nice pretty picture that will remind me of all the projects my husband will complete around the house I will do. In fact, it's pretty much an internet Holy Ground of Pretty.  You really should take your shoes off upon arrival...

What I am really trying to say is: I will be hosting a Pinterest rehab meeting in January when one of my New Year's resolutions will most definitely include prying myself away from Pinterest with a crowbar to do other things... like ya know, work... or eat...

Marabou slippers still showers and puts on a decent pair of pearls everyday... I haven't completely lost it!

Follow me:  pinterest.com/melaniegayles

Share the Pretty.

And Ode to Sam's.

Confession of a suburbanite: I HEART Sam's Club!!!!

 

 Don't you? Oh, the many things you can find there!
Wrote a country song 'bout it! Like to hear it? Here it goes!!!!!!


*clears throat*   *blows into harmonica to find the key* me me me me me..
Okay


THE ODE TO SAM'S CLUB

Chorus:
Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!


I went down to Sam's Club just the other day
I have VIP access they never make me pay
I whip out my card and feel like a star
Made a right at the entrance bought tires for my car




Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!


Saw TV's on sale bought one for every room
The rooms are kinda dusty so I bought a vacuum
Bought a stereo to dance to and a computer for my blog
Went down and got a mattress now I'll sleep like a log!


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!

Picked up pounds of diapers; baby can use them right away
Got a playground for the other so he can go outside and play
Got mulch for the hubs, flowers and sweatpants for me
We'll curb appeal the yard it will be as pretty as can be


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!

When I arrived sample ladies were serving brunch
Circled the club for a few hours now they're serving lunch
I'd stay for dinner, but that might be a bore
Pick up a rotisserie chicken for $5 more!


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!

Got 10 gallons of lotion and bubbles for my bath
Buying bulk saves me money I just did the math
Got bread, got meat, a box of salad on sale
Envelopes and stamps even though I only email


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!

Loaded up the car I could hardly fit in
Haven't even left and I can't wait to go again!
Gotta car full of goodies I'm living the dream
I realized when I got home, I didn't get ICE CREAM!!!!!!


Oh Sam's Club how I love thee
Went there for some ice cream left with an LED TV!


Look for the video, coming soon to a theater near you!

A PSA: Don't steal from the cRaZy Lady...

A Love Letter To the Parent Who Keeps Stealing Permanently Borrowing My Son's Hoodies:

Dear Fellow Fashionista Whose Child's Clothes "Strangely" Resembles Mine,

You know, there was a time when I didn't know what the heck I was doing with this baby thing... The newness of it all... what to dress him in...

There was a time when it was the middle of July and I had him bundled up like he was about to cross the Bering Straight. Or the times when the season would change and I would, embarrassingly but admittedly, try to get him in that one summer outfit he never got to wear.

But whew!!!!!  What a sigh of relief I can breathe to know that you find my child's sense of style so refreshingly on point!  I mean, I took two seconds to tap myself on the back when you took the first hoodie home.  But now that you've taken them all, YEEEE-HAAAAW!!!! Look out Fashion Week! Here I come!

I totally understand how you can get confused when you pick up your child and there are all those hangers there with the children's names and a picture on them.   At a certain point, it starts to look like you are at a store where they sell everything for FREE99!  And my son does have one of those faces that looks, surprisingly, like everyone according to the people who say he looks like me AND his father (the nerve of these people to suggest he looks like the  both of US and not the neighbors).  And then, the fact that his name is written in the jacket must almost look like a gift tag; and the name merely suggests who it is from!!!  I get it... I do. You should really just send me a thank you card.

However, when I pull up to the school... and my son's clothes are missing.... I start ticking. Popping and locking like Electric Boogaloo is on... and having flashbacks... of like, the time I was 15.5 months pregnant tucking and rolling through the Old Navy Black Friday sale trying to save my life from the real crazies who were sleeping out there overnight...

...Or I think about how many hours of BS I put with at work to afford all of those $20 jackets. Or how my husband was late to work looking all over the house for that jacket and then trying to get my son to put it on...

Then there is the sad thought of him on the playground cold as hell while your child runs around in all of his clothes. Or the angry thought about me wasting my gas, money and time going to get a few more of them...

Parent, never mind my feelings. I mean, who am I to impose on your child's fashion-hook-up-ed-ness? The genius level he is to shop for, buy and launder his own clothes!  Or the Phantom Menace that lives with you so you can suggest that you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA where the heck all those Old Navy and Gap Hoodies came from...

Santa Claus must stop by your house once a quarter!

However, you should be forewarned; I'm a little bit touched.  No, not in the Hallmark greeting card way.  In the "if you see someone peering over their steering wheel in the parking lot with a trench coat, cat eye sunglasses and a black scarf wrapped fabulously over their head staring at you" or "if you sense someone is in your bushes looking at you eat dinner" or  "keep your peripheral vision open because I might run in for the tackle at any moment" sort of way.

And I'm not mad because I spend money on quality clothing for MY CHILDREN (notice I said "MY" not "OUR") that keeps coming up missing; but for the principle that you would permanently borrow these items with no thought or regard as to the child you are stealing them from. And do it multiple times! The shame!

I see you. You've been warned and put on notice.
SECURITY!